Hear My Cry, Lord!

Out of the depths I cry out to You, O LORD; Oh LORD, hear my voice. Let Your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy. (Psalm 130:1)


Last night was a very tough night. Caed began screaming at 2:00 am and it basically lasted all night and morning. I do not mean "crying all night." There is a huge difference. I am surprised that he even has a voice this morning. I gave every medicine that was available. For the most part, all I could do was sit and listen. I don't think I've ever had this feeling before in my life...one of such helplessness, torment, and anguish. He had been having such good nights/days lately. Why God? What is wrong?


There is another aspect of Caed's illness that we don't talk a whole lot about. It's too hard to fully describe and understand if you are not with him 24/7 like we are. We have known that he will most likely develop some post-traumatic stress from all this. We have seen signs of it from the very beginning. I am not sure what Caed's screams are from. Is it anxiety, the pain, being "mad" that he's hurting, frustrated that he isn't able to do the normal things he used to do...? Probably a combination of all of those plus more. This is a pretty obvious statement, but "when Caed feels good...he is his normal self." (emotionally) But, when he isn't, this "other Caed" comes out. I think I have shared before that under normal circumstances (before all this began), he was not allowed to act this way. Ever! Nor did we ever see him "throw a fit" to this degree. That is one of the hardest things for me through this. I am learning how to deal with it better, but the "mommy" in me wants to spank his bottom!! Not only is he suffering physically, but also psychologically. It's one thing to deal with it when it's just us hearing it, but when others are around (whether nurses, drs., visitors, etc...) it is VERY hard. I know they do not know the real Caed nor understand fully what this has done to him. For all they know, he's just a spoiled, rotten brat. Oh, that's hard for me to accept. I know it doesn't matter what others "think," but I promise you would feel the same way. Something you have spent his whole life training, now is something you cannot do anything about. Our parental nature tells us to fix it with discipline. We cannot.

During those times that Caed is screaming and hitting and fighting, I feel myself doing the same thing inside. I want to yell at the top of my lungs, kick the bed, and hit the wall. The Lord reminds me that I am also fighting a spiritual battle. Satan is bringing doubt, fear, resentment, bitterness, and frustration into my heart.

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. (Ephesians 6:10-12)

Please just continue to pray for Caed's physical body to heal. Like I said, when he feels good...he is good! (not that he was perfect before, but he was a happy silly little boy!) But, also please keep his mind in your prayers as well. Not because of what others will think...but because we miss our little boy! Pray for patience and a calm spirit for me. (sometimes you can only take so much) Pray that I will put on God's armor daily.