(Ecclesiastes 7: 13 - 14)
My heart is heavy and body weak! Today was a very difficult day. Caed was in pain a lot last night and again this morning. We went back out to Idalou around noon. He was ok for the first hour maybe. Didn't ever talk, but we're getting used to that. After a short while he wanted to just lay on the couch and rest. He fell asleep and slept there maybe an hour. Then he got up, walked quickly back to one of the bedrooms and lay down on the floor on a blanket. He closed his eyes and stayed there (asleep) for over 2 hours. When he got up, he came into the living room and just began crying. We tried to figure out what was wrong or what he wanted, but he would only cry. Then, he began screaming! Still no idea why or what was wrong. I picked him up and held him for awhile, he was still yelling. I can't even describe the feeling that was inside me. I was holding my little boy, but he WASN'T Caed! Not the Caed we've known for 4+ years. With him still in my arms, I carried him out to the back yard. My parents have a big water garden and it is so peaceful and soothing. The sign above the pond says, "By the still waters, He restores my soul." I was praying for just that. Caed calmed down and watched as the fish were being fed. With all of my being I wanted to STAY right there. But, I knew it was (past) time to get back to the hospital. Caed had been off his feedings the whole time. (dr. approved) As soon as we began loading the van, the screaming and kicking began. Normally, (before all this happened), Caed would have quickly been taken to a back room and spanked for that behavior. But, we are learning this is a major form of communication for him throughout all this. There is SO much fear, frustration, anxiety, anger, sadness, etc... built up inside him. We try not to acknowledge it (too much) and just let him "get it out." He continued screaming most of the way back to Lubbock. As I looked at him, I saw a different child. One that has been through such a horrible trauma. I want so badly to take it all away. I want him to be the "old Caed." (funny, silly, and happy) I'm not saying that he will never be back to that, but I do think we have a LONG road ahead of us (emotionally). He will never be the same. We will never be the same. Thank you God that Your ways are higher than ours. We don't understand all the "WHYS?"! However, I am convinced that God has such BIG plans for him. I don't fully know how all of this will play out nor how He is going to use this experience in Caed's life. But, never the less, we know it WILL be used! In the verse at the top it says, "Who can straighten what the Lord has made crooked?" For whatever reason the Lord has made Caed's life "crooked" right now. Not us, the doctors, or anyone can straighten this out. We cannot change what the Lord has determined! We just have to persevere and trust Him!
We know these days away are so beneficial for Caed. (emotionally as well as physically) Just pray for him as we have to leave each evening. I know he just doesn't understand. Also please pray that he does not get any more infections. One of the reasons we are able to leave the hospital each day is because he is no longer on antibiotics!
Reagan, Caed, and Xan watching over Caleb
"Big Brother" and "Little Brother" chillin' out
The Fam
Asleep on the floor of the bedroom
He is always exhausted after being gone for the day
7 comments:
Sorry to hear today was a rough day... will be praying that tomorrow is a new day. Glad that you are still getting a pass each day, though. Thanks for the continued updates. We love you guys and will just keep praying! I have friends in Houston and Louisiana praying for ya'll as well!
Lori,
I don't know how God will use this in Caed's life, but everytime I read your blog, I am inspired by how he is using it in yours. God has certainly given you a special gift in all of this. As for the "going back to the hospital episodes", might I suggest you come up with some type of ritual(ie pray together, read bible, sing certain songs, organizing things so that he knows they will be waiting for him when he gets back the next day, Leaving a task started and stating he can finish it tomorrow when he returns) before you head for the van. This would help him understand that God is in control and maybe relieve some of his fears and anxiety. Also, some times children with abdominal pain respond positively to some type of vibration to the tummy area, or simply rubbing vibration on their body, by "confusing" the pain signal. It can also act as a distraction from the pain and even make him feel more empowered over his pain if it helps by being able to rub himself. Ask your doctor if this will in any way harm him.
I also wanted to let you know that the children's choir will be peforming this Sunday and we are dedicating our performance to Caed and asking for Super natural healing. The children's choir prays for Caed faithfully, and we miss that little guy.
I am sure he will be back to his "old self" when he stops having all the pain issues.
Keep it up ,and I think you will earn the Mother of the Year award this Mother's Day!!
Bridget Raymond FBCC
Hey it is addie at 3am. It breaks my heart to hear this. That does not sound like the normal Caed at all. I pray that it it will go away so that he (Caed) will come back and be himself. I also pray that you guys would come home soon. I pray for no infections and just healing overall. I know God is using this experince for somthing and we may never know what but you guys have changed somone's life forever. I love you guys so much and miss you too, addie
As a mom, I can truly understand how frustrating it is on yours and Todd's parts to not be able to get Caed totally well - and do it NOW. But I can also understand Caed's emotions. He's been fighting through this for 60 days. Imagine that - a 4 year-old spending 60 days in the hospital. A 4 year-old who had been a perfectly (I assume) healthy, robust, go-get-em boy.
Have you spoken with the Drs about maybe having Caed talk to a psychologist or counselor? I AM NOT saying he's having mental problems - though I would be. I'm saying, maybe he needs to talk things out with someone who is totally away from the situation. And a trained child counselor might have ways of drawing Caed out that would allow him to get rid of these negative emotions. You know - drawing therapy or music therapy or whatever. I'm not trained in that, but your post today sounds like this is something Caed could benefit from.
As you also said, there is a long road of recovery Caed needs to go down. As much as the entire family loves him - as much as his medical drs love him - I really think it would benefit him to have someone "outside" to talk to.
Father,
It hurts - it hurts all the way to my core - that this little boy has to go through this. He's been in it so long - and he has a long way to go. Father, please help Todd and Lori with the strength that only You can provide. I again ask for total and immediate healing of Caed. That's our desire, Father, but we have to bow to Your will, as hard as that is.
I continue to pray for courage and strength and patience and love and joy and peace - and complete and total trust in You. Without that, Father, none of us could make it through the day.
Please, Father, help Caed's entire digestive system to work the way You designed it. Please take away his pain - both physical and emotional. If it's in Your will, I pray that Todd and Lori can find someone that Caed can talk to and be able to verbalize his feelings.
Father, we lean on You minute by minute.
In Jesus,
Amen
Your prayer partner in Albuquerque, Debbie
Hey guys,
My heart is breaking as I sit here sobbing over my little Caed bear. We KNOW God is in control, but it is SO hard! I can't even imagine all of the emotions that you go through in just one minute, hour, day! I thank you Lori that you are using this experience to find ways of giving all the glory to God! I know He will bless you in ways you will never know or understand. I think using this blog is really good therapy for you. I do think orzakmom has a great idea of "help" for Caed. Poor baby he's been through so much and as you say--it's a long road ahead--we as adults know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God will NEVER give us more than we can handle, but how hard to understand for a 4 year old and how much harder being the mama and daddy!
Just know you all are in my thoughts and prayers constantly! I always look forward to good days! Days filled with smiles, giggles, less pain and happiness. Dear Father give them more of those! Ease the pain and suffering. Give them the grace and strength to walk this path set before them and may they continue to give you the glory and honor!
I love you guys and I miss you all so very much! One thing I've learned from reading these comments is that there are ALOT of people out there that love you guys and are praying for you all on a regular basis! Hang in there!
Love you,
Tina
What a brave little soldier.
Just wanted to let you know that we are praying for you here in Aiken. I know what's it's like when you don't understand and you just have to say "I'm trusting you Lord.
I have breast cancer and your daily blog always encourages me.
My heart is overwelmed with praise when I read how much you love the Lord. The Lord will take care of you and Caed.
Know we are going before the Father for you and Caed.
God Bless,
Annie Zercher, Aiken Center for Urology
Friend of Megan
Lori,
You are so precious to watch with Caleb, Caed, and Raegan. You have a gentle and quiet strength that touches those around you. Watching you with Caed yesterday broke my heart for you and Todd. I watched as you longed and so desired to sooth and comfort your son and could not do anything except hold him. I saw the helplessness of parents who has been able to meet his every need up to this point in his young life and now are not able to understand what he needs and wants. I saw that sign as you were sitting under it and I saw how GOd really does quiet the soul like still waters. I called mom and was telling her how incredibly strong you are not in the sense that you do not break down and feel so weak but that you keep on trusting even in those moments. I love you!!
Noelle
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