Thursday, October 9, 2008
Waiting.........
I probably made a big mistake today. I was flipping through the channels and came across the TLC show A Baby Story. Literally haven't seen that show since before Caleb was born. The woman was having a boy and it was by c-section. I sat there and cried through the whole delivery. (not entirely uncommon......all you mamas know what I'm meaning here) However, there was a different feeling this time. It was one of grief! For the first time I was so saddened by Caleb's birth and how we just didn't get the opportunity to truly enjoy him being a newborn. (he was 3 wks. old when this all happened to Caed). I think another reason for my sadness is because I am SO nervous today. Excited, yes! But.....also so very nervous. I don't even know if Caleb will know who I am! I know he obviously is more attached to my mom (she alone has been with him since birth), but I am experiencing a sense of grief that I have never felt before. In the beginning, it all happened SO FAST and so unexpected. I didn't have time to worry about Caleb or the fact that my new baby had been stripped from me. Caed was our #1 priority, and I knew that Caleb was in great hands. But now, it's been a whole month since I've seen him. (and when it's all said and done.....could be 3!) I remember having similar feelings in the beginning when I would drive out to Idalou some nights after being at the hospital all day. I didn't know him anymore. I didn't know the 'tricks' to get him to sleep, etc... I guess I am feeling that way again now. He has changed so much since we've been gone (so I've heard), and I am scared to death he won't even remember me. He's at that stage when they really develop attachments. I know I will get through this. I know in the big scheme of things, we both will be ok. But, it still doesn't take away the hurt that I am feeling right now.......................................... I'm trying to be strong for Caed, and know he needs me more than ever, but I also have these 2 other precious children that are suffering as well. (not to mention not being able to be with my husband) Please just continue to pray for our family.
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7 comments:
God Bless you Lori! We love you guys and you continue to have you in our prayers and our thoughts! We pray you have a blast this weekend with your other 2 children! It will be great for all of you!!! WE love you guys!!!
praying!
love you all!
Tina
Lori, my heart is so heavy and sad for your grieving heart!! You seem to love so deeply which in turn means you grieve and feel great pain as well!!
Lord, You know the very heart of Lori. You created that heart to love and to fight the way that Lori has fought for over 8 months now. You perfectly designed Lori's heart for loving her family and for loving You! But with that precious heart Satan knows the very vulnerabilities and points at which Lori's heart hurts! I pray that, though her heart is black and blue from a long, hard battle, that you would be the lifter of her head...that you would be the very strength that raises her hands in praise to You! You created in Lori the heart to love deeply and to grieve wholeheartedly...be the very breath in her lungs and the beat of her heart. Let her hold her sweet Caleb in her arms and let Caleb relax in the comfort of his mother! Let her heart be surrounded by peace and restoration as she watches Caed and Reagan play together and she gets see and love on all of her kids together. Lord, I pray with a heart that aches for Lori that she would FEEL Your hand holding her broken heart. That she would FEEL You loving on her!!"
lifting you to the father... rest in him lori! he's got your WHOLE family in the palm of his hand holding you SO tight! love ya'll
still praying...
I hope they are there now and you aren't waiting any longer!
Lori--Hope everyone is there and hope all get a good night's sleep, for I am sure it was a long, tiring flight. Don't worry, Caleb will know his mommy after a few "motherly" hugs. You are in my prayers continually. My heart aches for all you have had to endure these past 8 months, but our God is a giver of peace and comfort. He knows your heart and will love you thru it all. Enjoy every minute with the kids and your parents. I will be lifting Caed and the doctors, to the Lord, for a good report on the upper GI. And then for a perfect weekend for you all. Love-Grammy
My heart aches for you. I'm a mother and I just cannot imagine going through what you are. You are so strong. I am amazed by your strength. I pray for you and your family every day. I hope you truly enjoy your time together.
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