Sun. 3/30 - update

Today was not necessarily a bad day, but it wasn't really a good one either. He and Todd had a pretty normal night (sleep a few hours....throw up....sleep....go to bathroom....cramps....sleep....throw up....). He was crying a lot when I got to the hospital this morning. Just didn't seem like he felt very good. The drs. came in and didn't really have any new information. They decided to keep his feeding tube amt. the same for today, and will just continue to watch his input vs. output. The rest of the day was the same as yesterday: a few moments of smiles, but primarily crying and overall not feeling too great. My dad came this afternoon and took over while I went to Idalou to spend some time with Reagan and Caleb (our 2 long lost children whom we don't get to see much). It was so hard leaving the hospital. Not because I don't trust my dad (quite the opposite!), but just knowing that if Caed had it his way, Mommy would NEVER leave! I snuck out while he was sleeping, and I dreaded the moment when he woke up and realized I wasn't there. My dad said he did ok the rest of the day, but did have those moments of crying for me. I enjoyed having a "free day," although I feel guilty for even saying that. I want to be with Caed every waking moment, but it sure takes a toll on your body (physically and especially mentally) living at the hospital. I think days like today are good for all of us (even though Caed may not agree). Caleb and I took a long nap together on the couch this evening, and it was so good to have that time again with him. He's not the same baby that I remember before all this happened. He is growing and changing so fast. His 2 mo. checkup is coming up, and my good friend Marilyn (nurse) has made arrangements for him to see a pediatrician here. His office is in the hospital just downstairs from Caed, and he is very aware of our situation and everything that we have been through. I am thankful again that the Lord is taking care of all the details!! It was also good to spend some time with Reagan. (although it was less because she was so busy playing with her cousin) However, we did have a moment just the 2 of us where we talked about everything going on. She had tears in her eyes as I talked, and for the first time I realized how much her little world has been turned upside down this last month too. Our family is scattered! Todd and I only see each other in passing (in the mornings when I relieve him, and at night when he relieves me). Reagan and Caed only get to see each other a few times a week and obviously that time is not a "normal" play time. Poor Caleb (good thing he's so young and doesn't know any better), but he has literally only had a few days of his life where we have all been together as a family. It's things like this (and countless others!!) that make it so hard to understand "why?" this has happened to us. I was reading in a devotional book (thank you Amy...it's exactly what I have needed) and I turned back to March 1. This was the day it all began. It was SO good, but I will only write a portion of it:



"Your situation is filled with uncertainty and is very serious, but it is perfectly right. The reason behind it will more than justify Him who brought you here, for it is a PLATFORM for which God will display His almighty grace and power. He not only will deliver you but in doing so will impart a lesson that you will never forget. And in days to come, you will return to the truth of it through singing. You will be unable to ever thank God enough for doing exactly what He has done." (Streams in the Desert)



So, even though we can't fully comprehend the reason behind all this, we CLING to the fact that God loves Caed more than we do, and "He has chosen this special child to do a great work through a tough journey." (thank you Robin for these beautiful words) I prayed for my children when they were tiny babies that God would use them to do great things. Even though it's hard to understand the means by which He sometimes chooses to do them, we can rest assured that this is one of those times that I prayed for!