Don't judge a book by its cover

This was Caed's 6th abdominal surgery. You would think we've seen it all by now, but apparently not. Today Todd and I got a big surprise. We knew during rounds they would want to take the surgical bandages off and get a good look at the incision(s). Caed is always nervous with this part, but we gave him a big pep talk beforehand and reassured him it would be "easy." As Dr. M began removing the outer dressing, he told us in more detail what the incision looked like. He said he left them "open" to avoid more infection. With all the trouble we have had these past 8 months, he felt this was the best choice for ultimate healing. Todd and I agreed.

But, when the last layer was lifted off.....our jaws dropped. Definitely NOT what we expected. I had seen the g-tube hole many times (and hated it every time!), but the vertical abdominal incision proved to be WAY MORE than this Mommy could take. As they unpacked it, and we saw what lay underneath that beautiful white bandage...I felt like I was watching some Friday the 13th movie from the 7th grade. In my opinion, we might as well have been standing there in the O.R. It was truly one of the most horrific things I have witnessed over these past 4 years. I did not have the option of turning my head and running out of the room, but rather had to sit inches away and be given a crash course in open wound care. That in itself was uncomfortable enough. I did not go to nursing school for a reason. (I have been known to pass out in a hospital simply visiting others). Not only was it WAY too graphic....but it was on my baby! I literally had to block his face out of my view, and concentrate solely on the job at hand. The g-tube site (when tube was out) always reminded me of a gunshot wound. The other one looked as though someone took a knife and sliced him open. Deep. (which I guess is the reality) "Surgery" just has a nicer ring tone. Caed was scared. Giant tears filled his eyes and he whimpered several times, but was so incredibly brave. Today has been one of those days, he's been too brave. The nurse even commented and tried to explain to him it was OK to cry. It was ok to be honest with his pain level. He's absolutely amazing!!

After it was over, Todd went to grab some lunch, and I....melted. (in the privacy of the bathroom away from Caed of course). I couldn't believe what I was forced to witness. That image will forever be engraved in my head. An image that will be added to the long list of nightmares from the past 4 years.

Now for the 'good news'....this has to be done everyday, twice a day BY ME....for the next several weeks. I am fully aware it will only get better as the wound begins to close and heal up, and know I will slowly get used to it (just like everything else I've had to do over the years). I am reminded of one of my favorite quotes: "You don't know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice." That's it! I have NO other choice. It has to be done. But I know God will give Todd and I exactly what we need...each and everyday.

Today was tough. Emotionally for Todd and I. Physically for Caed. He did not have the day we expected. He has been overall pretty sad. Uninterested in just about everything. He did however get up a few times and walk. Currently he is having quite a bit of anxiety due to the next dressing change (coming up in the next few minutes). PLEASE pray for him. Pray for me. I am supposed to do it tonight (with assistance from the nurse). Caed will spend another night in the hospital, but our plan is to get discharged tomorrow. We will play that by ear as well. He just has not had a good day.

Thank you again for all your thoughts and prayers!!! We need them.