Change

If you don't like something change it; if you can't change it, change the way you think about it. ~Mary Engelbreit

It broke into my home four years ago. It did not quietly pick the lock and tip toe down the hall searching for something of worth to steal. It violently burst through the front door turning over everything in its path.

There was nothing we could do.

Change had surely made an unannounced, uninvited visit. We tried desperately to fight it. But soon realized it had stiff-armed us....and we were simply throwing punches to the wind.

It didn't take long for us to see we were wasting our energy (what small amount we had left) and begin to......accept its presence.

Soon....central lines and ((scary)) line infections, g/j tubes, PICU stays, ventilators, drains, surgeries, high powered drugs, hospital life, daily procedures, medical lingo, Post-Traumatic Stress, TPN, enteral feeding, home health care, lab draws, bac overgrowth, and hydration/intestinal rehab became the norm. On the other hand, our family was torn apart, we had been taken from our home, our new born baby was growing up without us, and everything that was.....was now.....NOT. All of these things were simply part of our everyday lives. There was nothing we could do to change them. But, our attitude towards them...could.

We saw how God's hand was in each and every situation. No matter HOW DIFFICULT the day. We knew this "awful" change that had ran-sacked our home.....would ultimately bring more good than we could ever imagine. We were called to simply....trust.

This evening I was making a new batch of Caed's ORS (oral rehydration salt mixture). I reached into the medical box as I do every single day, and.....froze. I began looking. Digging. Realizing for the first time, 98% of its contents were completely useless to Caed now. I remembered back to a day after we came home from our 3 month time in NE, and I had to clean out my parents' pantry (aka. medical supply central). Caed no longer had his central line, therefore we no longer needed all of the supplies that graced those shelves. It was quite honestly, a strange bitter/sweet feeling.

That's how I feel tonight. We will be mailing back his feeding pump to our home health provider sometime this week. Don't even get me started on that one! Just as most children have a nightlight, soft music, or a teddy bear to sleep with, Caed had the comforting lull of his feeding pump to whisk him off every night. Honestly, if I could, I would pack it away carefully along with other memoirs (favorite baby blanket, newborn outfit he came home in from the hospital, etc...) That little green machine helped save my son's life. It has sustained him over the past several years and got him to where he is today.

But, it's time once again for a change.

Today, Caed has done well. He is still moving at a slower pace and very hunched-over (breaks my heart), but overall feeling much better. Pain med is being weaned down as we speak! However, tonight he came to me whimpering saying, "Mom, my tube hurts!" I quickly replied (with a wink), "Your TUBE? What TUBE?" Just saying those words is......strange! But, apparently that hole has been bothering him more today. It is deeper, and they said it will take longer to close up than the ab one. Speaking of....dressing changes are going "good." I'm getting better. Faster. And I think less traumatic for Caed. He still does NOT like them, but endures like a champ.

Change has come back to visit our home this week. But now, it has become an old friend. It was invited this time, and we were more than happy to see it.

Change is good. Just easily misunderstood.