Desperate

3rd wound revision.

4th surgery this school year.

7th time in the operating room.

Our hearts break for Caed. We hate that this year-long battle is still far from over. Last night I overheard him talking to Caleb. He said, "If they don't get these stitches out and fix me, I'm going to die."

TIMEOUT!!!

I quickly rushed in to correct him and reassure little brother who was in shock at this point. I don't think Caed truly believed what he said, but rather was trying to articulate his built up frustrations and fears in the only way he knew. After I talked to him for awhile, he said, "I know....but I just want to be a NORMAL KID for a change!!"

Deep down....so do I.

Tonight Caed had his first baseball practice of the season. Todd and I had decided to go ahead and sign him up with the understanding that he possibly wouldn't be getting to play much. He is on the same team as last year, the Pirates. He LOVES baseball (well, any sport), and keeping him from "playing" was absolutely heart-breaking. His coach was truly wonderful and told us if at any point Caed wasn't able to play.....the coaches sure could use his help. This really cheered Caed up and was just the thing he needed to hear. Tonight however, Todd and I decided to go ahead and let him practice. As long and hard as he could and wanted. He did wonderful. He LOVED every minute! And I know for that hour.....he felt NORMAL again. That alone did more for him than any medical treatment over the last several months.

This afternoon we saw Dr. G again. After reviewing the past 2 surgical reports from NE, she and her team decided we would give it ANOTHER SHOT. I will not go into all the complicated details that were discussed, as well as the past 3 surgeries and what actually took place during them......but will do my best to give a summary of what's to come:

*Surgery #7 next Friday. Here in Lubbock. Because this is an incision issue only, it is easier for us to stay here and let Dr. G handle it. (If it has to do with intestinal rehab, short gut, etc....UNMC is our one and ONLY choice!) Funny though. This whole thing actually started because of sbs. Gallbladder gone bad.

*She will go back in and clean it all out (again). This time however.....NO stitches will be used at all. The last surgery, Dr. M kept the wound(s) open to heal from the inside out....also trying to avoid stitches that could cause infection. He did, however....use a type of highly dissolvable stitch way down deep. (do you like my medical terminology?) Dr. G however, said she would not even use that. I don't think this is ideal for surgery. She said several different things could result. It could heal beautifully from the inside out with ZERO complications. (I voted for that one!) Or scar tissue would build up and a possible ab hernia could develop.....resulting in a surgical fix later on down the road. (Boo!) Or....none of the above. And we could still be dealing with this same lingering issue next month. (Don't have a comment for this one. Can't think about it)

Caed cried when we got back out to the car after leaving her office. Tears streamed down his cheeks as he cried...."I'm tired of all this! I want it to be OVER!" I wanted so badly to just hug his neck, cry right along side him, and tell him I felt the SAME WAY!! But....he's 8. I know he doesn't have the maturity yet to understand. Seeing Mom cry too would only scare him further. I have gotten pretty good at on-the-fly pep talks, so I did what I always do.....try my best to let him know it was going to be easy, and that these doctors SURE love him a lot and will take extra good care of him. (I also threw in a few things about baseball and swimming....and how hopefully this will finally do the trick, so he can be FREE to do whatever he wanted this summer!) He settled down fairly quickly as his mind completely turned to baseball practice. Do you understand even more why Todd and I gave him NO limitations tonight? He desperately NEEDED it.

My heart continues on this wild roller coaster ride. One minute I am frustrated. I am questioning God. What in the WORLD could be His purpose for all this?!?! The next minute I am counting my blessings. Seeing that things could be so much worse. But, maybe in an odd way....that's why it's been SO frustrating. Over the past 4 years, we have dealt with Caed primarily under 2 umbrellas: very sick, knocking on death's door ~ OR~ outwardly so "normal" people have no idea what he has been through or currently deals with (sbs). Overall, this year has been neither. We can fill in the blank with either scenario: He's not serious enough to warrant ______, but he's not healthy enough to get to ___________. Tough. Especially at age 8!

To get your hopes up, only to be let down.....then back up....then let down again....back up.....and now down.....is paralyzing. You are afraid to think positive. To hope and pray for the best. To BELIEVE that this time will be when God chooses to heal him. Because deep down.....in the deepest, darkest part of your heart, you are afraid. You are bitter. You are tired and frustrated and just want "TO BE NORMAL!" You prepare your heart for the worst, and begin worrying about things that haven't even happened yet. To think otherwise.....will only set you up for further disappointment. You have prayed. Others have prayed. All over the country.....and world. And yet, nothing. Absolutely nothing has changed.

I could end this post many different ways. Thoughts, Bible verses, sermons, encouraging words spin wildly around in my head. I hear them. I see them. And yet they continue swirling around and around faster and faster. They will not stop. I cannot grab a hold of any one. I know they are there! And yet all I can do is close my eyes, raise up my arms and allow them to fall on me. I want to say "It is well with my soul"........"Do not be anxious for nothing".............."HE has a plan"........"My Savior can move the mountains."

But, tonight.....I am tired. I need a good cry. I will simply close my eyes and believe "His mercies are new every morning."

Until then.