The dust is finally settling from the storm that unexpectedly ripped through my life almost one year ago. I have been busy putting everything back in its place and trying desperately to resume some "normalcy." We have officially experienced our 1st week. All our belongings from Lubbock have finally made their way back home. No one is staying with us anymore to help out.
All is as it should be...................
....and yet I am struggling.
I know this makes no sense. Caed continues to heal. He is doing wonderful. All three kids have settled amazingly well into our "new life." There is no major drama occurring. (Praise God for that!) And yet, right now I feel as though I am drowning. Drowning in the fact that we ARE home, things ARE going well, and everyone expects me to simply "jump in and move on." I truly do not understand my feelings. The analyzer that I am is screaming for reasons. What is it? Why do I find myself caught in this "depression?" I think the hardest part is that I can't figure it out and yet I have to keep living life. I have to keep doing the normal, everyday things.....with a smile on my face and answer the daily question...."Yes! I am so glad to be home!" I know people truly care and yet truly do not understand. I don't even understand. We are home, so that should equate "all is well." Right?
Wrong. I have been surviving on adrenaline (i.e. stress) for the last year. Maybe now that it is "all over,"............I need to finally be able to grieve. I say these things, and yet have no idea what that is supposed to look like. Nor for how long. I just know that I have never struggled with feelings like this......ever. I have experienced several panic attacks this week, and don't have a clue why. I am fighting having to live in the "normal." Having to pretend. It's absolutely excruciating.
I was blessed by growing up in a home that was very encouraging and optimistic by nature. "There is ALWAYS a silver lining......." to any situation. I can go back and read my blog posts from March, April, May........Sept.....and even on the hardest days, I can see where I tried desperately to find the good in it. To acknowledge that although I was struggling, I knew WHO was in control. I knew WHO had a glorious plan for me and the rest of my family. I knew WHO "works all things for good..." I still know these things. I know them in the depths of my heart. But, I don't feel them now.
I guess that's what happens when you become numb.
I covet your prayers. And ask for your patience. This isn't anything anyone can "fix." I just need time. Thank you and I love you all.
10 comments:
lori our prayers are with you as you go through this. we may not be able to completely understad but know that we love you and are praying for you!!!!
Lori,
You say this makes no sense, but yes it does!! Years ago, Cork and I went to a conference about the "Loss of Dreams", a grief that is often not addressed. Your dreams have suffered a loss. Yes, you do need to have a time to grieve and NO ONE can dictate for you how long that will take. Please be gentle with yourself. And yes, it will take time. You were the primary caregiver in this past year with a LOT on your shoulders. We just love you and will be praying for you!
Carol
Lori your mind and body have undergone what most never even imagine. You need time to heal just as Caed has had to do. Dont feel bad about your feelings. It is ok. Just kmow that prayers are still coming your way and God knows how you feel. He is still beside you as you go thru these times.
I understand somewhat how you feel right now, Lori. I am in a similar place right now myself. Although it feels odd, I keep remembering Elijah after his victory on Mt. Carmel and how lovingly the Lord took care of him as He carried Elijah forth. The Lord will carry you and me to the next place in our lives but He seems to be giving us time to just lie in His arms to rest and recuperate for a while before showing us the next step. Rest in Him and He will show you when it is time to move on. Just remember that He has taught you so much in the past year and He will give you the opportunity at some point to share that with others. For now just rest in Him. Let Him hold you close and heal your broken heart and bind up your wounds. He is faithful to do so. Sending my love and prayers to you all.
In His love,
Carolyn O'Cain
Well said Carolyn, I am in that place too. I just wish it would "hurry-up" and go away. But this is just something like a crock-pot, not a microwave.
Bridget R.
What you have said does make sense and although I can not completely understand, I am praying for you. Like Carol said, give yourself time and don't be too hard on yourself.
How I wish ya'll still lived here so we could get together on our normal Friday mornings, and laugh, cry & pray together!! I totally understand what you're going through, and continually lift you up in prayer! Have you read "Streams" today? ;) Love you!!!
I am praying for you Lori!
fityrinoI think it's called..when things go wrong and there is pain and things are uncertain, I want my mommy and daddy and family.We all still have that feeling and since they were the ones with you from the start, it is like a seperation when you have to get use to being on your own. The security blanket has been taken away and getting use to it is no fun.we are never too old to feel this way.It's the same feeling I had with my fourth child when my mom went home. I asked myself...how am I going to handle 4 kids without her help. I survived...you will too...in time...love...Sharon Wylie
We'll be praying for you, bless your heart Lori you have been through so much in the last year. You may be running low on seratonin, or suck it up juice as our family dr. calls it. After our first failed invitro I know what depression is, and I'm sorry you are feeling so low right now. Try not to worry about the ideal clean house, I know that's easier said than done! I was an OCD cleaner before the girls came into our lives. I think as Christian women we put so much pressure on ourselves to meet all our family's needs, it can completely stress us out. You have handled the last year as one of God's most faithful servants. I don't know how you found the time to blog about your hectic life, but I'm so grateful you did & stil do. Please know we love you & we'll be lifting you up daily.
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