I Love You

Today was HARD.....

Caed awoke at 5am crying in pain. That pain lasted until 2pm! I unfortunately had 3 C-Sections when giving birth to my babies, but Caed's pain reminds me a lot of what a woman in labor experiences with contractions. You can almost time Caed's next spell to the very minute. The worst ones of course are more frequent and greater in intensity. Sometimes, however...he can go every 30 minutes between spells. Today seemed almost constant...

He had a birthday party to attend this afternoon and kept crying to me how much he wanted to go. I knew he did! This party had been anticipated for weeks. After one of Caed's spells....I knew we had a very short window to jump in the car and get to the party before the next one would hit. If it did.....we would go inside (it was at a family member's house, so I felt very comfortable doing so). However, the next one never came. Caed did wonderful!!!! He was completely normal again those 3 hours. SO good to see! Once we got home, he went into the kitchen and had a glass of milk. I didn't think a thing about it. Caed loves milk....like his Mama. About 20 minutes later, another spell hit. This time lasting the next 4+ hours. A grand total of about 13 hours in all today....hurting.

I honestly can't describe the feelings I have had the past 2-3 weeks, but primarily the last 5-6 days. Memories of the worst time in my life keep flashing before me. Caed is crying....I am right there beside him rubbing his back, his head, anything. I am drowning in helplessness. He is BEGGING me to fix it with tears streaming down his cheeks. Now...fast forward 3 years, life around us has changed. The setting is different. The characters have gotten older. And yet the main plot still seems very familiar. Reagan is now a pre-teen. yikes! She understands more (but not enough) and is scared. A few nights ago, Todd was working late, and Caed had the worst spell(s) to date. I was panicked here by myself with all 3 kids....and one I was certain would be making a trip to the ER. When I awoke Reagan, she knew. She could hear the cries. The screams. She immediately grabbed my neck, hugged me, and asked if Caed was going to be ok. Caleb...... (now a BIG boy) is learning. He has been my nurse's aide for several months each night priming Caed's pump. This little 3 yr. old can work it, and gets very upset if it's done without him! This week he will sometimes come in the bathroom with Caed and I (during a spell) and sit and kiss his brother's leg or arm. I have overheard Caleb talking to himself while playing, telling "someone" about his big brother that has a hurt tummy.

I don't like where we find ourselves currently. Caed was the IRP "Rock Star!" He obviously has had his issues (post NE), but NOTHING like this. Sometimes the IRP docs would ask us...."now WHY are you guys here, again?" It was a wonderful feeling. Caed had overcome SO much! I keep reminding myself of that and try to believe everything is going to work out. It may take some trial and error. It may take some time. But, we WILL get this figured out! God has proven Himself faithful over and over and over and over......He hasn't changed.

Tonight as I was putting Caleb to bed.....he asked if I would snuggle with him. Seems like a sweet request. Well, you have to really know this child to know he doesn't "snuggle." He was asking that because he didn't want me to leave. His top bunk buddy wasn't there. (sleeping in our room) Instead of snuggling....I began singing a song to him. One that I sang to all 3 of my kids when they were little. After I finished, he asked "what does 'I love you' mean?" ha Again, I knew this child had a masterminding scheme to get me to stay longer. I sat and thought. And honestly found it difficult to just spout off an answer. Finally, I said, "Caleb, it means I am SO thankful that God gave you to me." That was a suffice enough answer apparently because he said "ok" and rolled over. But, it wasn't for me. I sat staring at this child and was overcome with a thought. When I found out I was pregnant with Caleb, I honestly was devastated. I had a boy and a girl....and our family was complete. So I thought. It took several months for me to fully grasp that this was going to happen whether I was on board with it or not. 3 weeks after Caleb came into this world, my family was ripped apart, turned upside down, and the suffocating "earthquake" that followed, was almost 'too much.' However, it was in those times...the darkest moments, that little baby (clueless to our trial) brought SUCH light! God knew. His timing was absolutely 100% perfect. I couldn't see how this 3rd pregnancy at age 36 could possibly be a "good thing." It was a HARD 9 months, and I couldn't see beyond the day to day. I couldn't see the big picture.

That's what I was reminded of talking to Caleb tonight. I don't like what Caed is going through. I can't see how there possibly could be "good" brought from it. (even though I witnessed first hand how HE did 3 years ago.....oh! how quickly we forget and doubt) All I have to do is look at Caleb. That little firecracker is a reminder of how HE KNOWS WHAT HE IS DOING....We are not supposed to understand it all. We are not supposed to figure it out ourselves and "fix it." It's ok to ask questions. It's ok to cry out to Him! To BEG Him to stop the pain... He will. In His time, and in His ways.

HE makes beautiful things...out of dust.