Breaking out of the grip....

.....of FEAR

Several months ago I posted a comment saying "I was so ready to head back to Nebraska!" Todd has even mentioned the same sentiment. Omaha became our 2nd home during the fall last year, and I miss lots of things about it. (the beautiful fall foliage, our friends, the familiarity of faces at the hospital, and the anonymity of being somewhere in which NO ONE knows you.....probably sounds crazy!) I have SO many wonderful memories of UNMC. That is where Caed began making such tremendous progress. Because he was never really sick there in Omaha.... "those painful memories" are not associated with this hospital. Quite honestly....only good ones!

So why..........the past 2-3 weeks have I had a knot in my stomach just thinking about this trip? Why am I allowing a thousand "what-ifs" to flood my heart? I am scared to death of what they might find. Caed has been doing wonderful the last 6 months since we saw our drs. last! His monthly labs have been coming back with "no worries." God has done A-M-A-Z-I-N-G things in Caed's life the last 18 months! Most people who know what Caed went through, cannot believe he is the same little boy who was once SO very ill. He just looks and acts perfect!

But....the reality that things are not "perfect" in his little abdomen still haunt me. The other day I was casually googling "short bowel syndrome" which I find myself doing every now and then. I have no idea what really drew me to this particular link, but it was a video from Children's Boston. (who have the top short bowel transplant/rehab program in the nation) There is a particular surgery called the STEP procedure in which it actually lengthens the bowel. I began watching a "live" video of surgeons performing it. It was on a 19 yr. old male who was born with sbs....he spent 3 years in the hospital....and then did GREAT for many, many years. He was taken off all enteral feeding, and became a "normal" teenage guy who no one knew was ever ill. (sound familiar??) All of a sudden he began having issues.....problems tolerating food again. Hence the reason for the STEP procedure. I watched maybe 3 minutes of it. I was not bothered by the surgery itself (blood, etc.....), but rather the image of me standing in the OR watching a bowel surgery being performed on my little boy. I KNEW that this exact scene was what it would have looked like had I been there for Caed's surgeries in Mar and April. I quickly shut the computer down.....and wanted to then curl up into a ball and cry my eyes out. WHY???? Why is all this haunting me NOW? Caed is doing wonderful!!!! While this was happening with me, he was at school.....probably being silly and making others laugh....eating his turkey sandwich.....and winning a race in PE!

It's called the "fear of the unknown." I HAVE an amazing testimony of how God delivered us many, many times before. How He NEVER left our side. And how HE "made all things beautiful in His time." I have SEEN first hand the work of my all powerful healing LORD. I see everyday the face of a little boy that He chose to spare. I see a family that is well.....happy.....and all back together again.....and a baby who actually KNOWS and WANTS his Mommy. I see the hand of the Lord providing for our family in ways we could never imagine.

And yet, I find myself scared and anxious.........................once again.

I think I can recall a story in the Bible where very similar things occurred. God, in His faithfulness.....saved a group of people who were being oppressed. He performed miracle after miracle before their very eyes, and spared their lives on numerous occasions. He provided for them when all hope was lost.....(and in the most creative ways). The people praised HIM....they thanked HIM....and gave HIM glory for what He had done! But....after awhile, something changed. Their hearts grew cold.....doubt and fear swept in like a raging flood, and seeds of bitterness began to take root. They shook their fists at God.....asking Him...."WHY?? Why are you allowing these things..... hardships and adversities? Our lives were better off when we were still in bondage! You should have never delivered us.....you should have left us alone!"

Ouch! Those are hard words to type, much less say. And yet, in some odd way, I have found myself in this same place the Israelites were thousands of years ago. Several days ago, Reagan and I were going through pictures for a school project. It's always so fun to go back and look at the past. We laughed and I told her lots of stories from things she didn't remember. However, the one thing that kept coming back to me was CAED! His baby pictures....the toddler years when the Texas Tech cap was a daily staple in his wardrobe.......then the 3's and 4's.....his little personality began to shine. Always entertaining......always laughing.....being silly.....and rough and tough as only little boys can. There were memories of "before." Before all this happened! Memories of happier times. No, our lives were not perfect, but our definition of a "bad day" was a far stretch to what REALLY classifies as BAD. We were just a happy little family serving in a church far from home......making lifelong friends and memories along the way.

And yet.....in only HIS infinite wisdom......He chose to deliver us! "From what? Things were great! No major complaints here, God. You know....other than just the usual stuff. Why?? Oh WHY did you turn our world upside down? Things were comfortable and relatively predictable. Things like this are supposed to only happen to OTHER people. Not us!"

I have a dear friend....who I absolutely LOVE (and when she reads this she will probably know I am referring to HER! ha) But, she has always struggled with fear. Fear of the unknown. The what-ifs would at times consume her every thought. Her greatest fear was losing one of her children, and she pondered scenarios in her head daily. I remember being in a group with her and hearing her requests for prayer with this issue (almost weekly). My heart hurt for her....and I could see how it was affecting her life. But, I also remember thinking to myself, "what is wrong with me? I don't have those fears. I'm sure every good mother has them.....but why don't I?" I honestly worried about it (which is actually hilarious when you think about that.....I'm worried because I don't WORRY about my kids enough....and that must be wrong!"......ha! Anyway, I now know the utter torture that she lived in. It's consuming and painful and the feeling of helplessness is beyond what I think I can bear at times.

I KNOW what the problem is! And what's worse....I KNOW how to solve it! We even talked about this in my Sunday school class this morning. "Fear is the opposite of faith." I am NOT trusting in the One who has time and time again shown Himself trustworthy! I KNOW I am allowing satan a foothold. I am allowing him to whisper those awful scenarios in my head and I'm listening to him! I'm thinking about them all throughout the day, and have even had a few dreams lately that are terrifying.

And this is what I am afraid of: Sure, things are going fine now.....but when will the next shoe fall? Because I am convincing myself that it indeed WILL happen....sooner or later....and I can't.....I cannot possibly go through it AGAIN? At some point through the years, as we continue to make these bi-annual or annual trips to NE, there will come a time when the report isn't good. When something has gone wrong or his body has just "had enough." Will it be at age 6.....12....19....32? And what if next time there isn't a happy ending?

Something awful HAS happened to me as a mom. Now I know what my friend was talking about all those years ago. I understand what that FEAR feels like. And I hate it............

Deuteronomy 7:19

You saw with your own eyes the great trials, the miraculous signs and wonders, the mighty hand and outstretched arm, with which the LORD your God brought you out. The LORD your God will do the same to all that you now fear.

Psalm 112:7

He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD.

Isaiah 41:10

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Romans 8:15

For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father."