Turning the page

... A new chapter in our lives began today. As my mom backed out of the driveway, such tremendous sadness swept over me. We have been together for almost a year. I can honestly say, my mom is one of my best friends. My heart physically hurts knowing we are officially apart now. I am not there with her, nor does she have one of my children. Even the 3 months in Nebraska, though we were separated, there was a tie knowing she was taking care of Reagan and Caleb. This is something I have fought for the past 8 years. Feeling wrong for missing our families as much as I do. My heart aches when I see my friends (from Edna or Celina) have close physical relationships with theirs. Holidays....Sunday lunches....ballet recitals....just the day in day out moments that my children's grandparents are not apart of. Not because of choice, but rather hundreds of miles. I am learning to accept the fact that this is the way God created me. Lori. He fashioned me and designed me just the way I am. He put desires in my heart that I cannot ignore any longer. However, He also chose for me a Godly husband who has been called to the ministry. That in itself generally requires "moving." So....what am I to do? I have fought it. I have struggled more than anyone will know. The pain is great. The Lord has been speaking to me loudly these last couple of weeks. Yes, there still is a hole in my heart, but it has now been covered with PEACE! A peace that I cannot explain. God's peace. A calming in which I know everything will be ok.

After my mom drove away, the kids and I stayed outside for awhile. As I sat...I watched. I saw 3 beautiful children "home at last." Together. Playing. This was a big moment for me. Finally..... I felt like I was the mother of 3 children. Scenes from the past year flashed in my head. ER. - hospital bed - pain - tears - surgeries - frustration - grief - anguish in missing my other children and husband - medicines - tubes - backpacks - Idalou / Lubbock - doctors and nurses - Nebraska - airplanes - an empty house - saying good-bye - boxes - trying to find my life again.......



.....all the while watching my kids play. Innocently. Oblivious. I was experiencing both pain and joy. Pain from the past. Pain from being so far from family. Pain in the loneliness. Pain in feeling misunderstood. Pain in the unknown. Yet, JOY in seeing Caed happy, healthy, alive. JOY in seeing my "baby" grow up and all the "firsts" he is experiencing. JOY that he is finally going to know what it's like being apart of our little family. JOY in seeing my beautiful daughter and how proud I am of the way this year has changed her. Made her stronger, more mature. JOY in seeing her be a "big sister." JOY in knowing Todd would be home soon. All 5 of us! Together. JOY in the anticipation of a new year. What will it hold? What memories will we make? JOY in knowing we are in the Father's hands. JOY knowing HE (and HE alone) has brought us through this terrible storm. JOY knowing nothing can ever separate us from His love.





Now for another big prayer request. We all knew this day would come sooner or later. A day my family has prayed for and yet also desired not to come. A day that would leave holes in the hearts of some loving and devoted grandparents. The day when we (physically) did not need them any longer. That sentence was hard to write. Because I do not ever think there will come a day when I do not NEED them! However.....physically needing their presence in our home or caring for our children has gone. Like I said before, this is something we have all prayed for. Our family to be united and together again....just living normally. And yet, sometimes answered prayer also comes with it great pain. My parents and Todd's mom have done more for us than I could possibly ever communicate. It is truly overwhelming!! It has been a picture to me of such great love and sacrifice. I have apologized to my parents for making them "put their lives on hold." My dad has reminded me numerous times......"Lori, you all ARE our lives! We would have had it no other way!" I know that. I believe that. And yet it still is hard to accept. When someone makes tremendous sacrifices for YOU! It's very humbling.

Please pray for our parents. They have literally raised Caleb from birth!!!! I feel like we are an adoptive family who has taken a baby away from it's foster parents. Crazy. But, literally....they have spent more hours with him than either Todd or I. As his mommy, it breaks my heart, but more than missing his 1st year....it is harder knowing I am causing pain to them by taking him "away." I know they would argue, and I know they are happy that we are all finally together as a family. But....it doesn't take away from their natural human emotions of missing a little baby that stole their heart!




Just as God has been Faithful thus far......we know He will continue to do so even in this.

For the word of the LORD is right and true; He is faithful in ALL He does!! (Psalm 33:4)