Packing it all away

It's 2 am....I should be asleep. I am both physically and emotionally exhausted. The past few days have been tough. I have had to pack away my 2008. Not only is this house becoming more and more empty.....so are our hearts.

As I began with my clothes, I came across outfit after outfit that reminded me of darker days. I can specifically remember wearing each one of them day after day at the hospital. Oh, and let's not forget the "black jacket." Those of you who came to visit us during the month of March (particularly) probably thought that was the only thing I owned. I wore it out!! To look at it now......I hate it. (no offense Marnie - it was one of the many maternity clothes she let me borrow) There is not one single good memory from that jacket. Those first few weeks were the darkest, and I literally wore it every single day. Do I dare admit where I have kept my earrings? Do you REALLY want to know?







........in a urine specimen container! I stuffed it in my purse on March 1st when the ER physicians wanted us to collect a urine sample from Caed. His body was in shock. He was in renal failure. Let's just say it never happened. So....I was left with a small sanitized container that perfectly held my jewelry. It's worked great.....but not a day goes by that the painful memory from that night doesn't pop into my head (as I put on my earrings, of course). I could go on and on how every little thing I have had to box up has some very difficult memory attached to it. I have honestly had a sick feeling in my stomach all day.

Next, comes the packing away of Caed's toys. Let's just say.....he has "quite a few!" ha! With every box of crayons, dart gun, race car, or board game also came with it grief. As I sat taking his toys off the shelves, my heart was about to explode. I held the little yellow gun that made him smile for the first time. The memories of that night!! Ones I will never forget. Honestly there was a side of me that wanted to literally throw all of it away. There is pain in seeing some of them again. However, I would quickly remember WHO gave it to him and the love and prayers that were sent along too, and it turned my sadness into joy. Thank you all again for loving Caed. For thinking of him, and wanting to send him something that you thought would cheer him up. It did!

Next came Reagan's stuff. There were similar memories with hers, however they were all good. Boy, did she have a fun year here at Nana & Grandaddy's house. We turned the basement into "her hangout," and there were hundreds and hundreds of hours spent playing babies or putting on Hannah Montana shows down there. Even with the door closed you could still hear the bass thumping from any room in the house. She and her cousin Bergan became inseparable. They are such good friends and the Lord truly blessed Reagan by sending her Bergan this year. He knew she was just what my little girl needed to get through a VERY trying time. My mom and I were just commenting tonight how sad it makes us to see Bergan's bike sitting in the garage. We are really going to miss her (and seeing them together). Thank you Gunter family for taking her in! You are one more example of how the Lord was in the tiniest of details. We are honored that Reagan spent the time that she did in your home!!



Where do I even begin with little Caleb? This honestly is the only "home" he has ever known. He came when he was only 2-1/2 wks old. Not only has he grown up here, but also with his Grandaddy & Nana beside him every step of the way. They have all but raised this child. I am forever indebted to them for what they have done for us. I know not many grandparents would have offered to do what they have done. I love them SO much and can't even imagine going through this past year without them! I honestly do not even have words to say that would adequately express my heart. I will not even try. (please pray for my parents as they will be experiencing the empty nest syndrome for the 2nd time in their lives).

My heart is heavy tonight. I am struggling more than anyone can possibly realize. I sit here with my hands frozen......... I can't even find the words to share what I'm feeling. There is SO much inside....and yet nothing will come out.

It's ok. My heavenly Father sees through every corner of my heart. He knows. He cares. He comforts as only a Father can. He reassures.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Lean not on your own understanding, but in all your ways acknowledge Him.....and HE WILL DIRECT YOUR PATHS. (Proverbs 3:5-6)