The last time ??

The past few nights as I have been hooking Caed up, he has cried out in pain. One night I just stopped. Didn't even finish. I felt so bad for him. Last night again he cried himself to sleep. I knew the (dreaded) time had probably come once again to change out his button. So, this morning, I made the announcement. Caed was actually relieved and somewhat excited until I began getting out all the supplies and he realized we were doing it NOW! He began whimpering and begged me to please not hurt him. Of course, just like all the other times.....my heart was racing just as hard and fast as his was. Only I had to remain calm and unbothered. (have I mentioned I have great acting skills??) Caed wanted Reagan to come in and hold his hand. She was very sweet, but scared out of her wit as well. She told him, "Caed, I will hold your hand, but I can't watch. You just tell me when it's over!" Caed on the other hand.....won't take his eyes OFF IT! I think it scares him more when we tell him to 'look away.' He wants to know what's happening to him. (same with blood draw) It was quick and easy. No problems. However... as I went to console Caed when it was over to tell him how proud I was of him and HOW BRAVE he is....I could feel his little body shaking all over and his heart beating a mile a minute. I could see his pump and the bag and tubes hanging from his bedside. Oh, I wanted to cry at that point. When will this be over? Why has this little boy had to go through all this the past 2 years?

As Caed left out the door for school, I was busy cleaning up all the 'supplies'.....and at that point wanted to fall on the floor and cry my eyes out. (mostly due to just exhaustion) I know....it's just changing of a button. It really isn't that big of a deal. There are always worse things. I am so past the absolute "grossness" that accompanies changing it out. There was a day and time in my life in which just a simple trip to a hospital to "visit" someone would cause my head to spin and ultimately faint. I would find myself in an unused hospital bed in the room next door with medical personnel swirling around me. haha And now, I think....wow! I could be a nurse. Medical issues fascinate me. Hospital life is exciting (as long as you or a loved one is not the patient). I am completely unfazed by needles, blood, vomit, or any other bodily fluids. And yet.... as this little boy's Mommy.....I will NEVER get used to seeing a quarter inch HOLE in his abdomen. I won't! It's not normal! Maybe in other people. But NOT my child!

As I sat to catch my breath, the thought hit me. Like a ton of bricks. Was this the last time we will ever have to do that? The next time we take it out.....will there be no 'replacing it?' I still can't believe it. What will it be like not being there anymore? What will his tummy look like? How big of a scar will this hole leave? And yet, I'm scared to go there. Don't want to put the cart before the horse just yet....

It's just times like this morning that once again remind me of the seriousness of Caed's illness. When the doctors told us days after his initial surgery (after being shocked he survived it), that this would just take lots and lots of time.....I remember shaking my head in agreement. "We can do that!! Time is easy. So like what?......10-14 days in the hospital??? Wow, that's a lot. But we can do that!" haha Oh....how naive I was. Thank the Lord for that!!! Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought Dr. G meant 2+ YEARS!!!!! It's coming. The end. Very soon. I just know it.....