Kindergarten Homework

It was a harmless Kindergarten assignment.  Yet it has once again brought a sickening feeling to my stomach and pain I can't shake.

Caleb was chosen to be "Wildcat of the Week" in his Kindergarten class and was asked to bring a poster with several photos of him growing up.  Simple enough, right? Should be...

However because Caleb's very existence into this world 5 yrs ago mirrors almost to the day when Caed got sick, every moment of his "babyhood" was severely overshadowed by a big brother fighting for his life.

I typically enjoy these assignments.  It always produces lots of laughs with the family and con jours up sweet memories of days gone by too quickly.  Not today.  As I began my search for pictures, it naturally led me to Caed's blog.  Caleb does not have a cute little baby book.  Nor even 1 single album filled with all his "firsts."  The blog is where most of his baby pictures are at unfortunately.  I scrolled and scrolled.  Quickly.  To stop for even a second, to let my eyes rest on any particular post is something I find I cannot do anymore.  With every picture posted, I can "go back" in an instant.  I can see images beyond the walls of my camera lens.  I can hear the sounds.  Smell the smells.  My heart physically/literally begins to ache. (a very real phenomenon I have never understood)

Two distinct pains came into play this evening as I searched and scrolled.  Grief for Caed and all he had to endure for what seemed....forever.  Then a very real grief for Caleb.  Time I lost with my baby.  With every picture, guilt and anger and bitterness and overwhelming sadness flooded my heart.

I HATE that I wasn't there.  I HATE that I don't have more pictures of you to choose from, my sweet Caleb.  I'm so sorry you (and your sister) had to take a backseat for so long.  I was forced to be away from you longer than any mother should.  I missed your nightly newborn feedings.  Your first tooth.  Dr. appts.  First word.  Crawling.  Walking.  I know YOU don't remember any of it!  I know you have not been adversely affected.  You were surrounded by SO MUCH love and care.  That I know.  Yet, I will never be able to explain the hole that will always be in my heart.  Time does not fill it.  As a mother, I missed out on so much.  Trying to put together a simple poster of photos only validates that in my heart.

Of all the things I have learned over the years, 1 is that grief is good and grief is necessary.  I did not say it was fun!  And lastly that grief has no time limit.  I can become overwhelmed with it even now, almost 6 years later...at the drop of a hat.  I can be standing in line at Walmart.  I can be in the middle of a Math lesson at school.  When it comes, it comes.  Sometime with no rhyme or reason.  I am learning to accept it.  To cry (if needed), and then immediately turn it to praise.  Our stories should not end with grief.  Yes, there was loss.  DEEP very painful loss.  But was that the final chapter?  Are we still here on earth, living...breathing?  Then, it is NOT the end.

A promise my mom reminds me of quite frequently:  Joel 2:25 "I will restore to you the years the locust have eaten..."

Remember First...Rejoice Last

Last week our family was blessed by a much needed, restful, UNeventful, enjoyable vacation.  It had been quite awhile since we had been able to take one, and honestly our FIRST as a family of 5 since Caed's healing.  We chose to head to Orange Beach, AL.  Todd and I had taken 2 youth groups there for Student Life Camp several years ago, and it was absolutely beautiful.

We enjoyed splashing in the ocean, boogie boarding, sailing on a dolphin cruise, swimming in the pool and relaxing in the hot tub.  The kids had a blast.  Todd and I enjoyed just getting away.  Yet one evening while sitting on our balcony eating dinner and listening to the waves roll in, something hit me.  Hard.  I looked at Caed and an image immediately came to my mind.  (picture on the left)  Reagan and Caed were able to come to Orange Beach with us back in '09 (youth camp).  Images of being there in OB...but mixing Caed's tube feeds, hooking him up each night, calling his drs to see if being in the ocean salt water was ok, not allowing him to step foot in the hot tub. It was all so familiar (being there), and yet something so different was overwhelmingly apparent.  (picture on right)

The contrast of these 2 photos is nothing new. We have all seen the change.  The healing.  However for us being in Orange Beach and remembering what life was like the last time we were there was monumental.

It got me thinking:  What does it mean to truly rejoice in something?  Does it just mean you're really happy?  Obviously the answer is no. The foundation of happiness is completely circumstantial.  I believe the foundation of joy is remembrance.  Being happy about something means you are on a surface level.  Truly rejoicing means you have been uniquely touched by God.  You can't help but go to a much DEEPER level.

When sports teams win the big game, I am fairly certain they are not just thinking about the previous 60-90 minutes of play.  I imagine their JOY comes from remembering the awful days of spring training/off season.  The grueling hours of sweat and blood and possible injuries that no one (media) took notice of.  It was the remembrance of all the hard work that led to that "ultimate victory" or Championship.

As a Christian...fortunately there is a little more to it.  Because you see it's not about remembering all the hard work YOU put in.  All YOUR effort.  YOUR strength and endurance that ultimately resulted in a win.  It's remembering your Creator.  HE started this whole thing.....and HE will finish it.  HE is the One able to do what we can not.  HE is God.  And HE willingly suffered the most intense pain and ultimately torturous death  so that WE could stand on the "winner's platform" to receive our UNmerited medals/crowns.

To remember rightly....makes way for true rejoicing.

As I look back at these photographs and reflect on the many more (tough) images in my head, I can hear the Lord say, "Todd and Lori, I'm going to HEAL your son.....not because of any "great faith" you have, but solely because I AM AWESOME!  I am going to let you play a role in what I'm doing....that's ultimately about ME!  Now GO....tell of my wondrous acts!"

To remember...is not easy.  It is not fun.  It will not bring "good" thoughts to mind.  To remember should be humbling.  And should reveal our inabilities, inadequacies, and the filth that covers our hearts.  But it's also equally breath-takingly BEAUTIFUL!  To see where you were (dead in sin)...what HE is bringing you through (NEW LIFE in Christ)...and to have the anticipation of where you are ultimately headed (eternity with HIM!)....will bring complete and perfect JOY....regardless of the role(s) He asks you to play while on earth.

"He has caused his wonders to be remembered; the LORD is gracious and compassionate."  Psalm 111:4

That is...until

For the past 5 years our lives have been far from ordinary.  Great heartache, sorrow, and fear have encompassed our little family for what seems an eternity.  It seemed as though as one hurdle was cleared, another and another and yet another would always surface.

That is....until THIS YEAR!

For the first time since 2008, we did not live in a hospital.  We did not have ongoing medical issues, supplies,  surgeries, trips 1000 miles away to see specialists. We were not dealing with great pain, burning tissue, or packing open wounds. Nothing.

For the first time....Caed experienced being a normal 3rd grade little boy.  Believe me, this year was not taken for granted, nor was it an easy one.  I was more than grateful to exchange medical struggles for academic ones.  Even through the months of tears, I reminded myself over and over academic "stress" is not worth it.  FAR bigger issues (life and death) are real.  So very real.  Therefore, instead of beating ourselves up over homework and state mandated tests....we would simply do our best.  We would work hard.  But at the end of the day....Todd and I agreed that stuff didn't matter.  (yes, I am a teacher....even though that might seem contradictory)  We have stared the death of our child in the face.  Multiple times.  So....I will say again, for us....that "stress" was not welcome in our home.  We were thankful to God for Caed.  That he was not trying to heal from a latest surgery.  That he could run on the playground uninhibited and throw dodge balls in PE.  That he was tube FREE!  We were thankful Caed was simply ALIVE to be able to struggle in school.

Overall, we had a great, healthy, NORMAL school year.

That is.....until....

I received a horrifying message on a Thursday afternoon during Spring Break.

I was forced to hear the words, "I'm SO SORRY Lori!  Elijiah was killed a little while ago in an accident."

Stunned.

Shocked.

Disbelief.

Panic.

Elijiah was one of my precious 2nd grade students!  He was quiet and reserved and polite.  He was a great friend and incredible baseball player.  He was a gem!  But, more than that.....he was some one's little BOY!  He would never again sleep on his pillow or argue with his little sister.  No more playing peek-a-boo with his baby brother.  There would be no more Christmas mornings seeing his face light up as he walked in to the living room.  No more painful splinters stuck in his finger.  No more new tricks on the trampoline to proudly show his dad.  No more good-night kisses for his mama.

HOW could this happen?  WHY GOD?  Why?......

The next 2 months of school were the hardest of my teaching career.  How do I help his little friends heal?  How do I heal?  I still do not have the answers to those questions.  I've cried out to God DAILY.  Begging Him to help me.  To allow me to simply get through the school day.  I wanted to quit.  To throw in the towel.  The pain I felt for Tiffany (his mom....and now my dear friend) was intense.  I couldn't imagine.  Or could I?  Was that partly why it was so hard?  Had I felt a FRACTION of her pain long ago?  If that pain was magnified 1000x over.....then it's unexplainable.  I have come to realize there is NO greater pain on earth for a human to experience than that of losing their child.  More than a spouse.  More than a close friend  or family member.  Losing your child is.....sorrow upon sorrow.

As I have dealt with my own grief the past (almost) 4 months....I have felt the presence of my Father.  He has been here.  Right beside me.  Catching every tear shed.  Picking me up and giving me great strength on very ((tough)) days.  Once again He has shown His compassion and love.  He taught me numerous things during a year that was going so.....normally for my family.

 Very painful things occurred at the cemetery on the day of Elijiah's service in which I still to this day have dreams of.  Even now.  Even writing it and thinking back to it....are paralyzing for me.  There is DEEP pain.

Yet my heart rests calmly in His providence.  He knew.  He knew I needed Elijiah in my class this year.  He knew I could minister to his sweet Mama.  He knew she could minister to ME.  He knew there were still things I needed to work through regarding these past 5 years with Caed.

There still is not a day that goes by in which Patrick, Tiffany, Elijiah, their sweet family, or his best friends do not enter my mind somehow, in some way.  I am forever changed from this past year.  If I could rewind it and alter the horrible event that took place, I would!  But I know I am not in control.  Knowing God is...brings peace to my hurting heart.

We live in a world in which things do not stay "normal" for very long.  That is....until....God chooses to reveal  the next brushstroke.

Be encouraged!!  He is creating a BEAUTIFUL WORK of ART!!  Some day soon....we will see.

Can you believe...?

 Last week Todd and I anxiously sat along side many other parents in the gym stands for the first time. There was an excitement in the air, as well as a few giggles as we prepared ourselves for the FIRST GAME of Little Dribblers' Basketball. This was Caed's first year to be old enough to participate, and boy had he waited a long time for this day to arrive. As the two teams began to warm up under their designated goals, Todd leaned over and whispered, "Can you believe all he's been through?" I just shook my head. I couldn't even formulate the right words to respond. There he was. Just standing under the basket. Waiting his turn to shoot. He wasn't performing some great athletic feat. Just standing. And yet THAT moment is what caused Todd and I to sit there in utter silence (as though the only 2 people in the crowded gymnasium) with giant lumps in our throats and tears in our eyes.

 It's hard to believe it's come back again. I guess (difficult) anniversaries have a tendency to do that....unfortunately.  Tomorrow is March 1.  Those who have followed Caed's blog (even the tiniest bit) have heard me reference this particular day on the calendar many times.  It's the day our world as we knew it, changed forever.

Last year, we started a new tradition in which we would CELEBRATE this day.  It would no longer be a day in which Mommy walked around in a gray fog, but rather one in which we purposely planned something really fun to do.  Caed's choice, of course.  We would CELEBRATE his life and God's faithfulness.

However exciting the plans for this new day are.....I am also very realistic and know it ((WILL)) be tough.  Your mind just naturally goes there.  It goes back to what we were doing and where we were at certain times during the day.  I know each one of you can relate.  There is a date on the calendar (maybe even a few) in which you dread.  It is the anniversary of something so terribly painful in your life, and although it clearly is in the past.....it always seems to knock on the door faithfully every single year.

Caed is doing better than he EVER has!!!  It absolutely is amazing.  My prayer is that the LORD would consume my thoughts tomorrow.  HIS goodness.  HIS mercy.  HIS faithfulness.  HIS comforting arms.  HIS mind-boggling provisions.  HIS healing touch.  HIS love.....for my sweet boy.

I want to take this opportunity (once again) and just say THANK YOU!  So many of you have followed Caed's story for 5 LONG YEARS!  But not only have you followed it, you would be the Oscar winners of Best Supporting Cast.  I believe with all my heart, God heard the prayers of thousands upon thousands of his children all over this globe, crying out for mine.  POWERFUL!  To have been in the center of it.  To have felt it......

So, I ask the question again.  Can you really believe what all he's been through?  The answer is no.  And probably wouldn't had I not actually lived every single day and night of it. 

God, you are GOOD!  I will never be able to thank you enough for doing exactly what You did!

To 5 more ((full-of-life)) years.......

"What will you gain...when you lose?"

Have you guessed this popular slogan?  Surely you have either seen it on the side of a cereal box, a billboard, or TV by now.  Special K hit the nail on the head this year.  However I'm fairly certain they did not have the spiritual connection in mind when they came up with this clever play on words.  I wouldn't have either had I not had a dear friend "call me out" on my previous blog post  ;)

Over the past (almost) 5 years, I have definitely gone through stages of healing myself.  Currently, I am better than I ever have been.  However, there are those moments.....  When something unexpected triggers memories and pain so deep, I feel myself slipping back into the pit of despair.  My last post was just that.  We had to clean out much of Caed's medical supplies he didn't need anymore.  And although that is a GREAT thing, it forced me to revisit some tough days.....and reflect on many "losses" in my own life.

But, the Lord knew better and knew I needed a gentle reminder, not in all the things I had LOST, but rather.....the many many things I had indeed GAINED over these years.  (thank you Sarah for being that vessel)

For the past month, I knew I needed to write this post.  But, I purposely waited.  I wanted to be still for a season.....and just listen.  I prayed for God to put on my heart 3 things He wanted me to share.  I have actually gained so much, so to only pick 3.......is painfully hard.  Although I knew the Lord would reveal to me the ones He wanted.  Here it goes:  3 things I have gained....when I lost.

#1 - PERSPECTIVE - a mental view or outlook

I wish I could say I have this one mastered.  That in every area of my life....in every moment of my day, I keep my perspective totally in line.  I do not.  However, it isn't usually very long that the Lord doesn't gently remind me.  Typically it is through a flashback memory of absolute horrid moments with Caed lying in a hospital bed screaming in pain, begging me to make it stop.  It is me sitting in a waiting room chair numbed by the fact that I don't know if my son is dead or alive on the operating table.  It is me holding my newborn baby sobbing because I do not know him and he does not know me.  It is having a conversation with my husband in which the topic is a burial plot for our child.  It is sleeping alone (with my son hooked up to machines) dreaming of my husband and other 2 children who are 1000 miles away....month after month.  It is becoming a nurse against my will and being forced to do things to my own child I would never imagine doing to someone else's.   And it is visualizing our dear friends in unspeakable pain as they bury their 5 year old daughter.  My list is quite lengthy, but nevertheless, the Lord uses it OFTEN to remind me things could be worse.

Regardless of our current "struggles, " whether it be lost keys, piles of laundry that never get done, siblings who argue, too much homework, annoying West Texas blowing dust, running late, or someone cutting me off on the highway.......my newly gained perspective on life and death and the things that TRULY matter is something I honestly did not have prior to 2008.  I am 100% guilty in letting these minor life issues get the best of me, but I am SO grateful to God for using Caed's journey to always bring me back. To faithfully take my "eternal perspective" set of eyeglasses in which He entrusted to me 5 years ago, and lovingly setting them back on my face.

I am not happy that this awful tragedy attacked my sweet boy, but I am GRATEFUL that God continues to use it for good in countless ways. 

#2 - PLATFORM - a place, means, or opportunity for public expression of opinion

Those of you who know me and have since I was a little girl,  know that I am naturally an introvert and one who would much rather sit in the audience rather than be on a stage.  And yet, although God created me like this, He also, in His infinite wisdom, ordained this specific time in my life.  And He put me on a platform (blog) in which my voice...HIS GLORY....would reach around the globe.

I have referenced this many times before, but it literally sent chills up my spine (only days into our journey) in which He revealed this truth to me.  This was not just any devotional entry.  It was dated MARCH 1 (the very day Caed got sick) in the book Streams in the Desert:

"Your situation is filled with uncertainty and is very serious, but it is perfectly right. The reason behind it will more than justify Him who brought you here, for it is a PLATFORM for which God will display His almighty grace and power. He not only will deliver you but in doing so will impart a lesson that you will never forget. And in days to come, you will return to the truth of it through singing. You will be unable to ever thank God enough for doing exactly what He has done." (Streams in the Desert)

I literally become numb each time I re-read this, and am in awe of how prophetic it was....even when I couldn't see it back in March 2008.  Just as my gained sense of perspective has not been perfect over the years, neither have I been on the platform the Lord set me on.  I know many many days I simply wrote first, without prayer.  I vented about things that I was deeply hurt by.  I abused my platform and wish I could take it back.

I did not seek this voice which has transmitted time zones, state lines, and oceans.  Therefore I am confident without a doubt, it is from HIM.  I am humbled (and a bit freaked out!) at times when I view the hits on Caed's blog.  To see the dots....that circle the globe, and to be fully aware it is 100% God.  He is the creator of these nations and of every person who has read even 1 entry from this site.  This is nothing to Him.  Yet, I am amazed that He chose to use little 'ole Lori from a small West Texas town to help make HIM FAMOUS!  I don't have the time nor the words to express just HOW MANY people Caed's story has touched over the years.  When I sit back and literally see the hits, the "likes", the comments, the emails....from those I have not been in contact with for years and years.....or the complete strangers around the WORLD who have been impacted.....I'm speechless.

Yes, I definitely gained a platform.  Lord, help me use it for Your Glory alone!

#3 - TRUST - assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something.

This one seems obvious, I suppose.  Since becoming a Christian at the age of 10, the Lord has taught me through various situations what it means to trust Him.   But, nothing up to this point....has had the magnitude, the impact, of really understanding what it meant to trust.  Up to this point, my life had been relatively "easy, " pain free, and full of immeasurable blessings.  After Caed got sick, I remember so many days or nights begging God to make everything turn out ok.  To PLEASE HEAL my little boy!  And yet, to go back and read the blog....you will find a roller coaster.  One day is good, the next day is bad, the following is better, and then the next seems hopeless.  Learning to trust in situations like that.....is ((tough!))  Particularly when the answer you have been praying for takes years and years.

As Caed's journey progressed, so did the number of other families who were living a similar nightmare and our relationships with them.  They were a God-send.  They were the only ones who could relate.  Who could empathize. Who could encourage the way we needed to be.  We clung to their stories of hope and improvement....and ultimately healing.  It's easy to trust when you are surrounded by happy endings.  But then, what about all the children who did not make it?  What about these Mommies and Daddies, our friends, who ended up having to bury their precious children?  What then?  Could we still "trust God" that everything would work out for us?

The answer is not as simple as you might think.....or that the songs you learned in Sunday School might suggest.  It is a deep, VERY PAINFUL, process.  To truly let go.....and trust....is something that is learned.  Not through just Scripture memorization, but by experience.  I believe now that you have to get to a point (rock bottom possibly) in which there is absolutely positively NO WAY OUT!  You can't use your great physique to climb out.  You can't use your voice to yell loud enough to be rescued.  You can't use your "smarts" to engineer a way out.  Nothing. You have NO "power" in and of yourself to fix the problem.  You simply have nothing else to cling to....but Him.  That is but only 1side of the Trust coin. 

The flip-side is getting to a point in which you can honestly say......"Not only am I clinging to YOU alone, but I am trusting that YOU KNOW BEST in regards to the outcome."  I think that one is the hardest.  It was for me.  There were so many days in which we honestly did not know whether Caed would pull through this or not.  We knew God was there.  We could literally see His Hands at work daily.  But, we also knew the final chapter was His to write.  He would still be perfectly Just and Faithful and Holy and GOOD....had He chosen to take Caed.  (and still is!)

We Christians often say, "yes, God.....we trust that You will work all of this out!"  Let me translate.  What we are usually meaning is:  "God, we know You will make all the bad go away and bring a good, happy, Disney-fairytale ending to our current struggle.  We trust You!"  Over the last 5 years, I have learned it is just the opposite.  It is saying instead, "God, we are hurting.  We are desperate for Your intervention.  We believe You have the power to simply say the word and it will be ok.  Yet, we TRUST that YOU are an infinite, all-knowing, all-loving, all-gracious God who has a master plan that exceeds our wildest imagination. 
You wrote the story.  You know what an AMAZING ending You have already planned out.  Help us God to cling to this instead.  Give us the strength and grace to keep on keeping on......even when we don't understand Your plan, and things don't turn out the way we thought it should."

Trust is letting go.....not knowing how it will end.  But being confident HE DOES and HE KNOWS BEST!


So, I will go back to my original question.  What will you gain when you lose?  Remember it.  Engrave it in your heart.  We will ALL lose something, someone....so very dear to us.  Something or someone that we think we could never live without.  But also remember, when the Lord "takes away......" He also gives in return.  What it will be exactly.....is the mystery.  Be assured though.  It will be something "immeasurably more than you could ever ask or imagine." (Eph. 3)