Emotions on high alert

Ever since Dr. G explained to Caed last week about his upcoming surgery and all it would involve, Caed has been great! I wasn't able to go to this appt, but when I finally met up with Caed a couple of hours after seeing the dr, he burst out of the car saying, "Guess what?!....Next Friday, Dr. G is going to fix my incision!......"(and on and on he went with the details). Almost giddy. I was rather shocked to say the least.

However, last night after attending a costume birthday party, Caed walked in the house and completely melted. There were no warning signs or conversations leading up to his breakdown. I heard a faint cry coming from the bathroom. When I walked in, he was sitting on the edge of the bathtub with tears streaming down his face. "I'm scared!!" I held him for almost a solid hour trying to console as the cries grew louder. I tried to reassure him this one would be "easy." Then...I stopped. I stopped trying to "fix it, " but rather just held him and let him cry it out.

It hit me in that instant the number of times Caed has heard us say those exact words over the past 3 1/2 years. "It's going to be ok, Caed. We PROMISE....this won't hurt. It'll be quick and easy." And yet, how many times were we proven to be liars? How many times did it hurt? How many times was it not ok? And here we are almost 4 years into this nightmare. It's far from quick and easy. I know he's just 8. Kids are very resilient, right? Yes, thank Almighty God they are! But, it's the 1000's of times just like last night that I myself just want to cry right along side him. Agree with him that we are scared too. That it kills us to see him in pain. And how tired....so very tired we also are of sbs.


For several months I have strategically steered clear of a New York Times Best Seller. I knew very little of the book, but anything that has to do with a small boy that becomes ill....I typically ignore. No matter if it gets rave reviews. A couple of weeks ago however, I had stopped by my grandmother's house and she had just finished this "dreaded" book. She handed it to me. Showed me all the pictures and began telling me story after story that was inside. I initially wanted to throw it across the room and move on to another topic of conversation. But, the more she talked, the more I became intrigued. Even after I left, I thought about this book for days on end. Deeply desiring to grab me a copy and dig in.

Yesterday I bit the bullet. I was in a Christian bookstore standing in the checkout line when a beautiful display of bright yellow books caught my eye. When I focused in enough to read the title, my stomach dropped. There it was....again! I stared at it for several minutes, and then without hesitation walked over, grabbed one, and quickly got back in line. Once all the other errands were completed, and everyone was settled at home, I eagerly curled up with that bright yellow book. I hadn't made it too far, when a sickening feeling developed in the pit of my stomach. My first thought was honestly whether I needed to grab something to eat to settle the awful feeling. I continued reading.... I got to chapter 4 or 5 and abruptly threw the book to the other side of the couch. I sat paralyzed. I sat angry. And then got up to quickly try to forget everything that I had just read 30 minutes prior. I went on about my day. Did all the things on my to-do list and more. And yet, it stayed with me the rest of the evening like a bad dream you just can't shake. No matter how much you say to yourself....."stop thinking about it!"....it only magnifies that much greater. Todd was working late, and as I crawled into bed, I could see that darn yellow book staring at me, taunting me, on the lower shelf of my nightstand where I had banished it several hours earlier. I was determined to not give it a second glance. And yet, something unexplainable continued tugging at me. It was a battle I was emotionally too worn out to fight.

I picked it up.

Only to read 2 more pages before once again throwing it to the floor! I was so angry. I don't want to go back there! There are too many painful memories! Please LEAVE ME ALONE!

I have shared with you numerous times what an analyzer I am. I will pick things apart in such detail, I easily lose sight of the big picture. That's where I find myself now. I enjoy telling Caed's story! I STRONGLY DESIRE to tell it in great detail someday in book-form. Why in the world has this little book affected me the way it has?

I live my life daily talking and dealing with short gut. Not only through Caed, but with a support group I am a member of. Parents who are just now starting this journey have loads of questions. I love to share all we have learned regarding various procedures, drugs, etc.... And likewise, have loads of questions myself I ask to those further on down the sbs road. The emails, texts, fb messages, and phone calls from "strangers" all over this country and world....are numerous. I have heard others' stories that are eerily familiar to Caed's. Eerily! I read short gut/transplant blogs every single night. I am completely immersed in it. Hospital life, PICU's, surgeries, the emotional roller coasters, and everything GI under the sun.

So what? What is it about this book that I can't handle? The memories it unearths are not new. I have thought about those and many more SO many times. And have shared them more that I can count. Why is this different? I truly want to finish it. I even tried skipping ahead to get to the "good parts." I don't care about the beginning. I know what he's talking about in every sentence. Been there. Done that. Got the t-shirt!

I keep coming back to this same thought. Does it really matter? Is it so imperative that I finish this particular book? No. Will I someday? Quite possibly. Will not reading this book cause my faith to waiver? No. Will not reading this book cause me to NOT deal with deep embedded issues that MUST come out now? No.

I truly believe I was drawn to this book for a reason. Was that reason God? Very well could be! However, I don't believe His plan is to HURT me. And yet that is what has occurred thus far. Therefore, I will put this little yellow book away (maybe hidden deep in the garage where it can't taunt me....), and trust the Lord will bring it back out if He so chooses...and in the perfect time.