The Trade In

Big things are happening here in the Hollingsworth household.

First off.....Caed is now down to night feeds only. Therefore that means....NO MORE BACKPACK! We have been weaning him down over the last 9 months, and the time has finally arrived. Currently Caed is only receiving about 10-12 hrs. of tube feeds/daily (or should I say...nightly). This is SUCH a praise! Where do we go from here? Not exactly sure. I'm guessing they will want to keep him hooked up at night for awhile. Then...we will probably continue to wean until.....he no longer needs any of it! Honestly, I can't even imagine that day. As much as I have longed for that, it will be "strange" not having that daily duty. Even now.....there is an odd feeling seeing his backpack hidden behind the piles of paper goods on the bottom shelf of the pantry. There are such deep memories associated with it. Memories of a time when our life centered around doctors and hospitals. A time when we became unofficial members of the "sick child club." (I think we still have that membership unfortunately) However....it is a secret membership that only other parents of sick kids can relate to. It involves going out in public and getting "the stares." Something is different about that child......he is wearing a backpack and it's not even time for school! Oh, but wait....there's more! This backpack seems to be connected to him....to his stomach. Oh dear! Don't look! Well, maybe just one more glance...... We've all experienced it in some form or fashion. Those of us in this "secret club." But now....my little boy doesn't have that distinguishing trademark of 'sickness.' He looks, acts, talks, completely normal. This is an answer to prayer! And yet....it's hard to let it go. It has defined us now for the past 18 months. People rarely talk to us without mentioning Caed. He has been the center of a traumatic filled year for our family. And now....the page seems to be turning. Turning to a new chapter. One instead filled with joy, thanksgiving, and a return to life as we once knew it. Well, almost. You see, the membership to this "secret club" unfortunately never expires....it's lifelong. So, there will always be aspects that have to be dealt with. And without getting too ahead of myself, I have to remember we ARE only 18 mos. out. (although it sure seems like a lifetime!) I know there are no guarantees that Caed's little backpack will stay tucked away. But, for now....WE WILL REJOICE....for the Lord heard our earnest pleas and saw fit to grant our humble requests.

The second bit of exciting news is that Reagan and Caed will be attending public school this year. Yes....I am the proud (and overly emotional) mom who will be sending not 1...but 2 kids off to school for the first time in 12 short days!!!! Most of you probably know that I have home schooled for the last 3 years. It was a decision I felt 100% confident in. It was plain and simple....a CALLING I felt so strongly from the Lord. I can't describe it, but will only say....if you have felt God calling you to do something....then you know how hard it can be to run away from it. And believe me, I tried. From my own personal experience, homeschooling was tough only in the sense that my family was in the great minority. It was difficult always feeling that others looked down on you and this crazy decision you had made for your kids. And yet, Todd and I felt so very passionate about it. I STILL feel passionate about it! But things have changed in our family. They have changed in ways I never would have dreamed. My motto during the last 3 years has always been.....I will continue to do this until the Lord makes it clear otherwise. Well.....I assume you can guess what has happened.

This past year and 1/2 has honestly been the most difficult time of my life. Period. Like all tragic experiences, it hit us blind sighted without any warning....or permission. Our life was full of newness and utter joy the 2 weeks leading up to Caed's illness. We had a brand new baby. Everything was as it should be. But God had a different plan for our family. He wanted to take us to an alternate route. It was an exhausting, uphill climb.....and at times, it seemed this "new trail" had gotten the best of us, and we just couldn't take another step. But like good Fathers do, He picked us up and carried us the entire journey. We are now past the most rigid and difficult parts, and I am so incredibly grateful. This alternate route was hard (no, it was down right excruciating), but totally worth it. He taught us things and revealed His character in ways we would have NEVER seen other wise.

But now.....I feel the need to rest. This is something that I have fought for many months now. I began to see evidences of it physically, emotionally, and spiritually. It was affecting every area of my life. As most of you moms all know.....one of the hardest things for us to do is TAKE CARE OF OURSELVES. I believe God naturally gives us that "maternal....nurturing" instinct. The NEED to take care of others. However, I have learned the hard way that we cannot be all we need to be for our families if we ourselves are not "well." I guess the old saying......"If Mama aint happy, aint no body happy" actually rings some truth. This has been one of the toughest decisions I have had to make in a very long time. It has absolutely nothing to do with public school. I, myself have a degree and taught in the public school for several years. It is more the matter of a calling I feel that was placed on my life. God gave me the desire and passion for it! I believe in it wholeheartedly, and yet for many reasons....I also feel 100% that He is calling me out right now. I desperately need this time to simply catch my breath. And to restore a bond that was painfully broken with Caleb. It is something I have had a terribly difficult time admitting, but I need time for ME....time to heal.....and a time to be refreshed. With the way things have been, I was doing my family more harm than good by "toughing it out!" I know there will be critics. Those who do not understand (just like before....when we chose to home school), but I have learned SO much through our experience. One of which......it doesn't matter what anyone else is doing or what their opinion of you is......do what is BEST for your family. Period.

So with ALL that being said.......we have gone school-shopping for the very first time. We have bags filled with all the necessary supplies......crayons, paper, pencils, and glue. And have even had to worry about back-to-school clothes. For some reason, public school doesn't allow you to "do school" in your pajamas......like we were sometimes accustomed to. The kids are excited...and a little nervous. Just like their Mommy. But, Todd and I have a peace about this decision, and know the same God who held us through the "storm" of 2008.....will also be with us through the (Lord-willing) "calm" of 2009!




Trading one model in..............................





for another................!!