A real team

For those of you who have followed the blog from the beginning, you will probably appreciate this more. Last year at this time Caed was finally old enough to sign up for t-ball. He was SO excited and would talk daily about his "uniform, cleats, glove, etc..." I will never forget the day (3/10) I was standing by Caed's hospital bed when my cell phone rang. We had just finished getting him up out of bed and walking several feet out to the hall. It was excruciating for him. He cried and cried in pain. Simply walking 10-15 feet was an enormous task, and it was emotionally as equal for those of us helping and watching. It broke my heart to see him suffer so. And also put in great perspective that my "little rambunctious 4 yr. old" couldn't walk on his own. We had just got him back in his bed, and I stepped out in the hallway to take my call. I didn't recognize the number, so I wanted to get away so I could hear. It was Caed's t-ball coach in Celina informing me of his first practice. I tried to hold my composure and briefly explained our situation. As I hung up, I fell to my knees with my head up against the wall. My little boy's dream of being on a "real team" wasn't going to happen.........

.....at least not then.

Today I just got through sending Caed's t-ball application in. When I told him, his eyes lit up, and he said, "on a REAL team??" I said YES! I told him he would have a real uniform, a real glove, go to real practices, and REAL games! His smile said it all.......

I promised myself last year after answering that phone call that I would not take simple things like t-ball for granted. Before all this happened, I probably had the idea that things like this were just a "rite of passage.....a given" for little boys. I now know that are not! We are not guaranteed tomorrow. Make the most of the day you have been given. It IS a gift!!!

Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring forth. (Proverbs 27:1)

Just random pics

The puppy has had enough!


You just never know what Caed will come up with next


Helping big sister with her schoolwork


Don't let those little legs fool you......they can move!!!!!!


Caleb's 2nd Mommy.....changing his diaper and putting on his clothes

Spot update from our little leopard

So far all his lab work looks fine. They are still waiting on a few levels to come back, but nothing that would have caused the spots. Both pediatrician and NE are in agreement that it was probably just caused from the viral infection. (which he continues to show NO signs of having) Don't get me wrong, I absolutely believe that she saw a "bad sinus infection, " but it's just odd when the child hasn't complained once and we haven't see any signs of sickness. Anyway, that doesn't matter. The plan is to get him started on an antibiotic. Because he is short gut, he won't absorb the full dose, so he may need an additional shot to kill whatever is in there. Another down side is that this antibiotic can cause diarrhea. So, if his stool output greatly increases, we might have to give him some additional fluids through his g-tube. It can also cause the stool to a have a red color. Lovely. Just the perfect little side effects for "gut boy." Remember he has a "poop journal" that we record every stool, the time, and consistency. (more than you wanted to know, huh?) So, taking a med that has stool side effects is not something we necessarily look forward to. Hopefully, all will go well, and we can get rid of this infection. The spots are already diminishing. They said because they are little blood spots, it might take several days to completely disappear. So, I guess we concluded that the pressure buildup from the infection caused the capillaries to thin....and eventually burst. We are SO thankful it was as simple as this.

Forgot to give you his weight this week: he is still sitting at 41 lbs. Been here for the past 5 weeks. It's probably fine. Just hard when you are so used to praying for a weight gain each time he steps on the scale. However, the part that eases my mind a bit, is when I see the jeans I bought him in Nebraska getting too short and rather snug in the waist. This is a major rarity for this little guy. He has always been able to wear the same clothes at least 2 years!! The fact that he only lasted 5 months this time.....yea!......he IS growing!!!

(his endo. appointment his scheduled the end of March in which he will get started on growth hormones. Can you even picture it???? ha!)

Unplanned visit to the dr.

I'm a little hesitant to even post this picture because it truly doesn't do justice to reality.

However......we have had an interesting day. Caed woke up this morning with "the spots" again. We have seen them before, but never to this extent. The 1st time they surfaced was Mar. 1, 2008. Caed was lying in the ER and as each dr. made their way in to assess him, we noticed a few spots around his eyes and mouth. They looked like freckles, but as a parent you KNOW each and every speck on your child. Those that night were new. The drs. asked us about them, and we shared that they were not normal. Several times while Caed was in the hospital, we would all of a sudden notice "the spots" emerging again. Only staying a few days and then gone again, until next time when they would pop up somewhere new.

So, today when we saw his face, we weren't overly alarmed, but as we inspected further, we noticed instead of about 5-6 spots, there were hundreds! All along the sides of his face (around the eyes), covering his neck, and onto his upper chest. We just kept a close watch, but both Todd and I felt uneasy. Call it a parent's intuition, or simply.....Caed's track record. The strange part was that he was acting completely normal. (a good thing....but just puzzling) I called Nebraska and we talked about several possibilities, but nothing was ever confirmed. They wanted us to go see our pediatrician. Caed already had his bi-monthly blood draw scheduled for tomorrow, so we decided to change it to today.

His dr. was a little uneasy when she saw him.....didn't immediately chalk it up to "eczema" or something I knew it wasn't. She did find that Caed had a bad sinus infection. Another big shock. Caed has been acting completely fine....no coughing, runny nose, etc.... Anyway, he will start an antibiotic for that. She believes the spots are broken capillaries. I agree, but exactly how?.....just not certain.

I will be in contact with Nebraska in the morning, so we should be able to hash out the details in the days ahead. He also had a very extensive blood draw this afternoon (in which he did the BEST he has ever done!!!!), so we should get some answers if anything is wrong. I feel much better now, even though all the questions haven't been answered in my head. In time........

No messin' around

We just found out Caed had a loose "toof" this morning....and now 12 hrs. later, we're putting it under his pillow. Way to get it done, Caed!

Fighting for my life

The dust is finally settling from the storm that unexpectedly ripped through my life almost one year ago. I have been busy putting everything back in its place and trying desperately to resume some "normalcy." We have officially experienced our 1st week. All our belongings from Lubbock have finally made their way back home. No one is staying with us anymore to help out.

All is as it should be...................

....and yet I am struggling.

I know this makes no sense. Caed continues to heal. He is doing wonderful. All three kids have settled amazingly well into our "new life." There is no major drama occurring. (Praise God for that!) And yet, right now I feel as though I am drowning. Drowning in the fact that we ARE home, things ARE going well, and everyone expects me to simply "jump in and move on." I truly do not understand my feelings. The analyzer that I am is screaming for reasons. What is it? Why do I find myself caught in this "depression?" I think the hardest part is that I can't figure it out and yet I have to keep living life. I have to keep doing the normal, everyday things.....with a smile on my face and answer the daily question...."Yes! I am so glad to be home!" I know people truly care and yet truly do not understand. I don't even understand. We are home, so that should equate "all is well." Right?

Wrong. I have been surviving on adrenaline (i.e. stress) for the last year. Maybe now that it is "all over,"............I need to finally be able to grieve. I say these things, and yet have no idea what that is supposed to look like. Nor for how long. I just know that I have never struggled with feelings like this......ever. I have experienced several panic attacks this week, and don't have a clue why. I am fighting having to live in the "normal." Having to pretend. It's absolutely excruciating.

I was blessed by growing up in a home that was very encouraging and optimistic by nature. "There is ALWAYS a silver lining......." to any situation. I can go back and read my blog posts from March, April, May........Sept.....and even on the hardest days, I can see where I tried desperately to find the good in it. To acknowledge that although I was struggling, I knew WHO was in control. I knew WHO had a glorious plan for me and the rest of my family. I knew WHO "works all things for good..." I still know these things. I know them in the depths of my heart. But, I don't feel them now.

I guess that's what happens when you become numb.

I covet your prayers. And ask for your patience. This isn't anything anyone can "fix." I just need time. Thank you and I love you all.

Baby steps....and I'm not referring to Caleb

If I have heard the words, "Don't get overwhelmed....it'll all get finished eventually!" once....I've heard it 1000 times. And I love all of you for this simple, yet encouraging statement. However, by nature....Lori tends to get overwhelmed way too easily! It's in my DNA, I guess. I have never lived in an immaculate, germ-free, mess-free house....yet it's what I desire. Order. I want it so badly, and feel I am a better wife and mother when I have it. Yet it seems so far from my grasp. I sat for 4 days after my mom left....just staring at the boxes, the piles, the mess. I didn't even know where or how to begin again. However, last night I had a "revelation:"

Just make a list (I LOVE lists!!), and pick 1 or 2 jobs to accomplish that particular day. Once you have done them, stop. Relax. Live. Enjoy your family.

So....that's what I have done today. We were ''iced in" here this morning. Schools were canceled. Being a home schooler though, we don't have "bad weather days." But, I decided to give the kids the day off, and allow them to have a free play day, so that I could begin tackling my 2 jobs: 1) finish unpacking the rest of their school stuff, reorganize it, and begin new lesson plans. 2) tackle the boxes and piles in Todd and I's bathroom. (It's absolutely dreadful!)

The rest of the mounds are still there strategically placed around our home. There are still 3 giant boxes which sit in our entryway that have only been "looked at." And yet, thank the Lord......I feel peace! Peace knowing "it will get done.....eventually." Peace knowing I can function and be a good wife and mom and still have "mountains of madness" lurking at me with every turn. Peace knowing we are home, happy, and healthy.


Just when you get a cabinet organized.....look what happens! Actually, I can't blame Caed for this one. His little brother was the one who emptied it, which then only made him tempted to make it his "hang out" for the day.