The Caed Hollingsworth Show (episode 1)

The Reagan Hollingsworth Show (episode 5)

He's going...he's going....he's gone!

For his Nana, Grandaddy, and Grammy

A Mother's rite of passage

They say pictures are worth a 1000 words. Yep. I think I could come up with about that many on this one. Only wish there was sound to go with it. This was Caleb (not literally) from 1:30 - 4:45 last night. I have NO idea what was wrong, but I think I tried to cover all the bases. (bottle, diaper, Tylenol, ear drops, teething tablets, rocking, singing, walking, pulling my hair out) I have only experienced one other night similar to this with him, but my mom was there helping out. We ended up loading in the car and driving to WalMart at 2 am. Of course, I also had some short nights the 2 weeks after his birth, but nothing like this. I know every mom is due several of these "midnight bonding moments" with their babies at some point or another. (Steve and Angie....I remembered your experience w/ Bergan and kept checking his toes! ha!)

As I sat rocking Caleb last night something jumped out at me. Stacey, I remember you posting a comment early on when Caed was at his worst. You apparently experienced "one of these" nights with your little one and you said thinking of Caed made you put your sleepless night in perspective. Thank you for your words. Not only then, but especially now. The Lord used your simple statement to get me through a tough night myself. I have missed out on so many things with Caleb, and all-nighters are one of them. (my mom and dad took care of those for me) That may sound crazy that I would miss something like that. It's probably not that I missed having to get up through the night, but rather missed the "experience with Caleb". Believe me....I had my share of sleepless nights with Caed this year. He definitely made up for it.

I guess fear will always be there. Caleb would cry and cry.....get quiet...be ok......and then start back up again. (for 3 solid hours) Caed did this similar thing the day we took him into the ER. Our minds will always go there. I know it will...............

Goodbye sun...

...hello COLD! Gotta love Texas. 80 degrees yesterday....30 today! No wonder everyone is sick. The kids played outside a little while this morning, but decided it was just "too cold." We've spent the majority of the day hanging out here. This was the first day in a long time the 5 of us were here together "just doing nothin'." It was nice....

Our unsung hero

I have thought over and over how the "true hero" of this whole experience has been our sweet Reagan Ashley. All of our lives were effected in some way. We all experienced hardships of different kinds. But....the one that stands out most is little Reagan. She was young enough to easily adapt in every situation, and yet old enough to know something very wrong was happening to her family. I can remember a time it was just she and I driving, and she began asking questions while tears flooded her eyes. My mom recounts a similar instance in which she cried and expressed how much she missed her brother. She has had to go through SO much this year. Not necessarily more than any of the rest of us....just different. She is at a difficult age. Doesn't know everything....but enough. Not only was much attention drawn to a new baby, but also another brother very sick in the hospital. I felt so many times like she was the one getting put on the back burner. Not intentionally. The other 2 just demanded more of us. I had to be away from her way too many weeks. Reagan may not be able to express in words what she has gone through, nor really understand it herself. But our prayer is that the Lord would use this experience to make her stronger. That it will always be in her heart, regardless how old she gets.

For Christmas Reagan asked for an American Girl. Long story.......but we finally were able to go get her doll last night. It was a special time just the two of us. She was so gitty. Poor Reagan has been waiting patiently this whole month. She told my mom a few days ago that she was SO excited about getting her new doll, but didn't want to "bother" either of us with it because she knew we were so busy unpacking. About broke my heart. So, we decided she had waited long enough. We drove into Dallas and went to "the" American Girl store. There are only 5-6 in the US, so this was a big deal. You would have thought we pulled up to Disney World! She searched and searched and finally found just the perfect doll. She wanted to find one that looked just like her! I think she succeeded. After we shopped, we went upstairs to the "Bistro" and had a wonderful dinner and dessert. They even have special chairs for the dolls to sit in. Too cute! Then, we walked through the Galleria and just had a fun Girls' Night Out.

I love this little girl so much. She brings me incredible joy, and I am humbled and honored I get to be her Mommy. Thank you God for this indescribable gift!




finally found the perfect one!


Reagan and "Tory"


Having fun at dinner


The Bobsy Twins

Turning the page

... A new chapter in our lives began today. As my mom backed out of the driveway, such tremendous sadness swept over me. We have been together for almost a year. I can honestly say, my mom is one of my best friends. My heart physically hurts knowing we are officially apart now. I am not there with her, nor does she have one of my children. Even the 3 months in Nebraska, though we were separated, there was a tie knowing she was taking care of Reagan and Caleb. This is something I have fought for the past 8 years. Feeling wrong for missing our families as much as I do. My heart aches when I see my friends (from Edna or Celina) have close physical relationships with theirs. Holidays....Sunday lunches....ballet recitals....just the day in day out moments that my children's grandparents are not apart of. Not because of choice, but rather hundreds of miles. I am learning to accept the fact that this is the way God created me. Lori. He fashioned me and designed me just the way I am. He put desires in my heart that I cannot ignore any longer. However, He also chose for me a Godly husband who has been called to the ministry. That in itself generally requires "moving." So....what am I to do? I have fought it. I have struggled more than anyone will know. The pain is great. The Lord has been speaking to me loudly these last couple of weeks. Yes, there still is a hole in my heart, but it has now been covered with PEACE! A peace that I cannot explain. God's peace. A calming in which I know everything will be ok.

After my mom drove away, the kids and I stayed outside for awhile. As I sat...I watched. I saw 3 beautiful children "home at last." Together. Playing. This was a big moment for me. Finally..... I felt like I was the mother of 3 children. Scenes from the past year flashed in my head. ER. - hospital bed - pain - tears - surgeries - frustration - grief - anguish in missing my other children and husband - medicines - tubes - backpacks - Idalou / Lubbock - doctors and nurses - Nebraska - airplanes - an empty house - saying good-bye - boxes - trying to find my life again.......



.....all the while watching my kids play. Innocently. Oblivious. I was experiencing both pain and joy. Pain from the past. Pain from being so far from family. Pain in the loneliness. Pain in feeling misunderstood. Pain in the unknown. Yet, JOY in seeing Caed happy, healthy, alive. JOY in seeing my "baby" grow up and all the "firsts" he is experiencing. JOY that he is finally going to know what it's like being apart of our little family. JOY in seeing my beautiful daughter and how proud I am of the way this year has changed her. Made her stronger, more mature. JOY in seeing her be a "big sister." JOY in knowing Todd would be home soon. All 5 of us! Together. JOY in the anticipation of a new year. What will it hold? What memories will we make? JOY in knowing we are in the Father's hands. JOY knowing HE (and HE alone) has brought us through this terrible storm. JOY knowing nothing can ever separate us from His love.





Now for another big prayer request. We all knew this day would come sooner or later. A day my family has prayed for and yet also desired not to come. A day that would leave holes in the hearts of some loving and devoted grandparents. The day when we (physically) did not need them any longer. That sentence was hard to write. Because I do not ever think there will come a day when I do not NEED them! However.....physically needing their presence in our home or caring for our children has gone. Like I said before, this is something we have all prayed for. Our family to be united and together again....just living normally. And yet, sometimes answered prayer also comes with it great pain. My parents and Todd's mom have done more for us than I could possibly ever communicate. It is truly overwhelming!! It has been a picture to me of such great love and sacrifice. I have apologized to my parents for making them "put their lives on hold." My dad has reminded me numerous times......"Lori, you all ARE our lives! We would have had it no other way!" I know that. I believe that. And yet it still is hard to accept. When someone makes tremendous sacrifices for YOU! It's very humbling.

Please pray for our parents. They have literally raised Caleb from birth!!!! I feel like we are an adoptive family who has taken a baby away from it's foster parents. Crazy. But, literally....they have spent more hours with him than either Todd or I. As his mommy, it breaks my heart, but more than missing his 1st year....it is harder knowing I am causing pain to them by taking him "away." I know they would argue, and I know they are happy that we are all finally together as a family. But....it doesn't take away from their natural human emotions of missing a little baby that stole their heart!




Just as God has been Faithful thus far......we know He will continue to do so even in this.

For the word of the LORD is right and true; He is faithful in ALL He does!! (Psalm 33:4)