Curious about Caed: No Regrets

"In 10 years when he is walking across that stage, will you regret if you don't do it?" Without any hesitation, I responded "YES!"

That was part of the conversation my principal and I had over a year ago regarding the idea of Caleb being in my 2nd grade class. Prior to that, I honestly was leaning toward him not. However, out of the blue one day (toward the end of his1st grade year), Caleb asked me, "Mom, are you going to be my 2nd grade teacher, like you were for Reagan and Caed?" I stood frozen. His question completely caught me off guard, and I was shocked he even knew I had taught Reagan (he was an infant).

When Reagan had finished pre-school...over 12 years ago, the Lord laid heavily on my heart the desire to homeschool. It was wonderful! I was able to teach her at home for 3 years (Kinder, 1st, and 2nd grades). However, it was in the middle of her 1st grade year when Caed got sick. We recognized immediately how the Lord had providentially planned her to be homeschooled during those awful months/year. I can't even imagine what it would have been like had she been enrolled in school during that time. God knew...and for that we are forever grateful.

After the dust settled from the worst 18 months of my life (Caed's illness), I recognized I was going through some post traumatic stress of my own. I knew I didn't have the ability to continue to be a mom to a critically ill child, attempt to bond with my now toddler whom I had lost for a year, and be the teacher that Reagan (and soon Caed) would need me to be.

Fast forward several years. Now both older kids are in public school (Reagan 4th / Caed 1st), and I am back in the classroom after a 10 year break. When Caed was heading into 2nd grade, I knew (if allowed) I needed to have him in my classroom. Caed was hospitalized during those crucial preschool/Kinder years of 4, 5, and 6. He missed so much and it showed academically. I wanted to see for myself as a teacher. As his mother. What were his specific struggles? How could I help him? Little did I know what lie ahead for Caed in 2nd grade. 4 (more) abdominal surgeries, continued enteral feeding through g-tube, 2 open wounds that had to be packed, pain, disappointment, fear, over and over and over...the entire school year. God knew, once again. My initial priority was his struggle academically. Very quickly I learned I would not just be Caed's teacher that year, I would also need to be his private nurse for his struggles physically.

4 years have passed. Now Caleb stuns me with this question. What do I do? With Reagan, I HAD to teach her. I was the ONLY option she had at "Hollingsworth Elementary School." With Caed...again the decision seemed to be such a no-brainer. Now, with Caleb, I did not have a single reason I needed to be his teacher in 2nd grade. He would thrive beautifully in any classroom, with any teacher. That's just the kind of kid/student he is. So when he looked at me with those big blue eyes wanting to know if his mommy would teach him too...I couldn't answer.

I struggled for months. Not in my desire to teach him, but rather what everyone around me would think. I have learned these past 6 years working in the same school as my children (all 3 campuses are connected), my main role shifts from mom to teacher. Hugging, loving on, giving any form of "special treatment" should be avoided at all costs. First of all, I don't believe it's fair. Not every child gets to have Mom with them when they go to school every day. Secondly, it's not good for that child. They must learn to deal when issues arise, like every one else, and not always be mom-dependent.

"What will people think? Will they view me as a 'helicopter mom?'...which I detest. Will my co-workers question my confidence in their ability to be a good teacher for Caleb?" (I do not, by the way! They are all amazingly gifted, and Caleb would have thrived enormously with any of them!) Over and over I continued to ask these questions. Never once was I concerned with Caleb in my classroom, with myself as his teacher, or our relationship. My fears were 100% based on the thoughts of others.

So, after my principal (wisely) asked me that initial question...I knew. Deep down in my heart, I knew the opinions of others simply did not matter. After this year, 99% would forget he was ever in my classroom. They would move on with their lives, their families, their jobs. And so would I.

This past school year, the majority of the days were completely routine. He unloaded his backpack, said the pledge, turned in homework, sat in his desk, worked, tested, socialized, was both rewarded and reprimanded, had good days and bad, laughed, cried, was sent to the nurse with both injuries and illnesses, struggled, and achieved. Unless you have been a teacher to your own child in a classroom setting, you may not fully understand this. But personally speaking, Caleb simply became 1 of my 19 students. I quickly learned his strengths, as well as his weaknesses...just like every other student. As odd as this sounds, there were truly many moments throughout each day, I would almost forget he was my own child. He just became 'Caleb' at school. From my experiences with both Caed and Caleb, I will say the same was true for them. I just became 'Mrs. Hollingsworth' at school. (due from the fact BOTH boys called me that many times in class, as well as then raising their hand at the dinner table because they had a question at home. ha!)

Then.. there were those moments. Those fleeting memories of having Caleb taken from me at 3 weeks of age. Those rare nights (I was home to put him in his crib) in which I cried with inconsolable grief because I did not know him. This sweet baby did not know me anymore either. We had been forced to become strangers. Not being there for all his monumental "firsts" ripped my heart into a thousand pieces. Even now, when Caleb asks me questions about things he did as a baby, I smile...I answer (typically making something up because I honestly do not know), then fight back a flood gate of tears from grief I still carry in my heart. Those difficult memories would occasionally come to mind this past school year as I would watch him in class or on the playground. I might even be in the middle of a lesson, when some rare haunting memory would come to mind. It was in those brief moments, I would quietly whisper to God my utmost gratitude for giving me this "restoration year" with my Caleb.

Lord willing, I am confident in May of 2019, 2022, and 2026...tears will be falling as I watch each of my children walk the stage. Those tears will represent many things, I'm guessing. Enormous pride, as well as disbelieving grief that the years flew by as quickly as they did. But I also think my tears will be from unspeakable JOY, knowing I not only played a ((small)) academic role in their achievements, but also the pleasure of knowing I had the privilege to teach all 3 of my children.

Each of their experiences (as my student) were completely different.

Yet completely perfect...

Reagan in 2nd grade. Univ. of Nebraska Medical Center in Omaha became her classroom for almost 3 months. God knew how much her brother and I desperately needed her during that difficult time.