My Broken Hallelujah

Chronic - continuing or occurring again and again for a long time.

Caed's "healing" from his 2008 volvulus has been nothing short of miraculous.  To have seen where he was to where he is today is indescribable.  We can never thank God enough for having mercy on our son.

However, there are days like yesterday in which I fall to my knees crying out asking "Why?  Why can Caed's illness story not have a final chapter?  Why do we seem to jump from one issue to the next....year after year after year?"

Yesterday was like any normal Friday.  I had just gotten out to the playground with my 2nd graders when I received a call from the office informing me Caed was with the nurse and he wanted me.  That in itself was uncharacteristic.  Caed hasn't seen the school nurse in a very long time (year or more).  As I walked in, I saw him lying on the cot wincing in pain.  He was restless.  Crying, asking me to make it stop.  I immediately went down the routine list of normal pain questions: "What did you eat?  Have you gone to the restroom?"  He continued to shake his head with tears streaming down his face.  He pointed to where the pain was....lower chest, near sternum.  THAT was different.  It was not the usual intestinal pain spots.  I honestly had NO idea what to do.  I just knew he couldn't stay there.  The pain was too strong, and it was not lessening.  As we walked out the school door, I called Todd to meet us at the ER.  Caed was in the backseat screaming out.  As I looked in the rearview mirror, I knew it was serious.  Caed looked as though he was going into shock.  His eyes were glazing over, his skin was white as snow.  These pain spells would come about every 30 seconds, and he kept saying he couldn't breathe.  I turned my hazard lights on, put my foot on the gas, but my gut told me I couldn't do it alone.  He was screaming too hard.  I have never been THIS scared!  March 1, 2008 was bad, but I did not know it was going to end in emergency exploratory surgery with a slim chance of him surviving. This time I had too much experience.  Caed was so scared he even asked me through his screams, "Am I going to die?"  I saw the Idalou EMS building and knew we were desperate.  Given Caed's history....I just couldn't take the chance.  I would never have forgiven myself....

They loaded him into the ambulance, started an IV,  and gave him heavy dose of pain med.  Within seconds, he became very calm.  Once we got to the ER, frustrations began to set in.  It's always so difficult to fill drs/nurses in on a long medical history.  Although they were able to pull up his past ((volumes)), they still do not know Caed.  Todd and I knew this particular pain was different than anything he had ever experienced.  The X-ray/labs came back good.  Small elevation in liver enzymes, but nothing to cause a serious concern.  Because Caed had been given a big gun pain medication, he was not hurting anymore.  Therefore...ER felt it was ok to send him home.  Don't get me wrong...we were MORE than happy to leave that place.  Been there.  Done that.  ...more in the last 6 years than I care to mention.  It was more the fact that the pain was never diagnosed.  I was there.  I witnessed one of the scariest moments with Caed in a very long time.  It was SOMETHING!  But what...?  The ER docs gave a few possibilities.  We just do not know for sure at this point.

Our local GI discovered a hiatal hernia back in 2012 when Caed was experiencing such awful pain spells (further tests in NE revealed a bad gallbladder).  Once that was removed, pain stopped; therefore we didn't find it necessary to treat hernia (since it wasn't bothering him). Is this the reason for yesterday's episode?  We don't know.  Our next step is to talk further with NE and honestly just sit and wait.  Maybe it was an isolated incident.  We certainly PRAY so!  However, after everything Caed has experienced the last 6 years, you just never know.

Holding Caed's hand in the ambulance yesterday brought up so many emotions.  One being...fear.  ENORMOUS FEAR!  I am not an over-reactive mom.  Probably 180 degrees opposite.  Quite certain due to all that Caed has been through.  Normal kid injuries and illnesses don't phase me.  My own children have to be really really sick before I call the pediatrician.  I simply do not panic.  Even with all of Caed's issues/procedures/surgeries.  God gave me some pretty amazing "heavenly anesthesia" 6 years ago, and traces of it still surface with each new episode.  Yesterday was different.  I can't explain it.  It was real, and I knew the level of pain he was experiencing was extremely HIGH.  Caed is a tough kid.  REALLY tough.  It takes a lot for him to even shed a tear.  Therefore that is the reason for my unsettled heart.

Caed has a chronic condition.  One that will last the entirety of his life.  There will be seasons of "normalcy" / no issues....as well as ones that bring us to our knees begging for mercy.

These are the lyrics to a popular Christian song by The Afters, called "Broken Hallelujah."  They are very fitting for what my heart has been feeling the past 24 hrs.  We are SO grateful Caed is home.  He feels good.  All is seemingly back to normal.  Yet, my gut tells me there is an underlying issue that may surface again...and again.  What is it?  Can it be fixed or treated easily?  We have been down this road so many times before, and I simply have to continue telling myself...."He's still here.  He still has Caed in His grips, holding him close to His heart.....TRUST HIM, AGAIN!"

I try to find the words to pray.  
I don't always know what to say, 
But You're the one that can hear my heart.  
Even though I don't know what Your plan is, 
I know You're making beauty from these ashes.

I've seen joy and I've seen pain.
On my knees, I call your name.
Here's my broken hallelujah.

With nothing left to hold onto, 
I raise these empty hands to You.
Here's my broken hallelujah.

You know the things that have brought me here.
You know the story of every tear.
'Cause You've been here from the very start...