Remember First...Rejoice Last

Last week our family was blessed by a much needed, restful, UNeventful, enjoyable vacation.  It had been quite awhile since we had been able to take one, and honestly our FIRST as a family of 5 since Caed's healing.  We chose to head to Orange Beach, AL.  Todd and I had taken 2 youth groups there for Student Life Camp several years ago, and it was absolutely beautiful.

We enjoyed splashing in the ocean, boogie boarding, sailing on a dolphin cruise, swimming in the pool and relaxing in the hot tub.  The kids had a blast.  Todd and I enjoyed just getting away.  Yet one evening while sitting on our balcony eating dinner and listening to the waves roll in, something hit me.  Hard.  I looked at Caed and an image immediately came to my mind.  (picture on the left)  Reagan and Caed were able to come to Orange Beach with us back in '09 (youth camp).  Images of being there in OB...but mixing Caed's tube feeds, hooking him up each night, calling his drs to see if being in the ocean salt water was ok, not allowing him to step foot in the hot tub. It was all so familiar (being there), and yet something so different was overwhelmingly apparent.  (picture on right)

The contrast of these 2 photos is nothing new. We have all seen the change.  The healing.  However for us being in Orange Beach and remembering what life was like the last time we were there was monumental.

It got me thinking:  What does it mean to truly rejoice in something?  Does it just mean you're really happy?  Obviously the answer is no. The foundation of happiness is completely circumstantial.  I believe the foundation of joy is remembrance.  Being happy about something means you are on a surface level.  Truly rejoicing means you have been uniquely touched by God.  You can't help but go to a much DEEPER level.

When sports teams win the big game, I am fairly certain they are not just thinking about the previous 60-90 minutes of play.  I imagine their JOY comes from remembering the awful days of spring training/off season.  The grueling hours of sweat and blood and possible injuries that no one (media) took notice of.  It was the remembrance of all the hard work that led to that "ultimate victory" or Championship.

As a Christian...fortunately there is a little more to it.  Because you see it's not about remembering all the hard work YOU put in.  All YOUR effort.  YOUR strength and endurance that ultimately resulted in a win.  It's remembering your Creator.  HE started this whole thing.....and HE will finish it.  HE is the One able to do what we can not.  HE is God.  And HE willingly suffered the most intense pain and ultimately torturous death  so that WE could stand on the "winner's platform" to receive our UNmerited medals/crowns.

To remember rightly....makes way for true rejoicing.

As I look back at these photographs and reflect on the many more (tough) images in my head, I can hear the Lord say, "Todd and Lori, I'm going to HEAL your son.....not because of any "great faith" you have, but solely because I AM AWESOME!  I am going to let you play a role in what I'm doing....that's ultimately about ME!  Now GO....tell of my wondrous acts!"

To remember...is not easy.  It is not fun.  It will not bring "good" thoughts to mind.  To remember should be humbling.  And should reveal our inabilities, inadequacies, and the filth that covers our hearts.  But it's also equally breath-takingly BEAUTIFUL!  To see where you were (dead in sin)...what HE is bringing you through (NEW LIFE in Christ)...and to have the anticipation of where you are ultimately headed (eternity with HIM!)....will bring complete and perfect JOY....regardless of the role(s) He asks you to play while on earth.

"He has caused his wonders to be remembered; the LORD is gracious and compassionate."  Psalm 111:4

That is...until

For the past 5 years our lives have been far from ordinary.  Great heartache, sorrow, and fear have encompassed our little family for what seems an eternity.  It seemed as though as one hurdle was cleared, another and another and yet another would always surface.

That is....until THIS YEAR!

For the first time since 2008, we did not live in a hospital.  We did not have ongoing medical issues, supplies,  surgeries, trips 1000 miles away to see specialists. We were not dealing with great pain, burning tissue, or packing open wounds. Nothing.

For the first time....Caed experienced being a normal 3rd grade little boy.  Believe me, this year was not taken for granted, nor was it an easy one.  I was more than grateful to exchange medical struggles for academic ones.  Even through the months of tears, I reminded myself over and over academic "stress" is not worth it.  FAR bigger issues (life and death) are real.  So very real.  Therefore, instead of beating ourselves up over homework and state mandated tests....we would simply do our best.  We would work hard.  But at the end of the day....Todd and I agreed that stuff didn't matter.  (yes, I am a teacher....even though that might seem contradictory)  We have stared the death of our child in the face.  Multiple times.  So....I will say again, for us....that "stress" was not welcome in our home.  We were thankful to God for Caed.  That he was not trying to heal from a latest surgery.  That he could run on the playground uninhibited and throw dodge balls in PE.  That he was tube FREE!  We were thankful Caed was simply ALIVE to be able to struggle in school.

Overall, we had a great, healthy, NORMAL school year.

That is.....until....

I received a horrifying message on a Thursday afternoon during Spring Break.

I was forced to hear the words, "I'm SO SORRY Lori!  Elijiah was killed a little while ago in an accident."

Stunned.

Shocked.

Disbelief.

Panic.

Elijiah was one of my precious 2nd grade students!  He was quiet and reserved and polite.  He was a great friend and incredible baseball player.  He was a gem!  But, more than that.....he was some one's little BOY!  He would never again sleep on his pillow or argue with his little sister.  No more playing peek-a-boo with his baby brother.  There would be no more Christmas mornings seeing his face light up as he walked in to the living room.  No more painful splinters stuck in his finger.  No more new tricks on the trampoline to proudly show his dad.  No more good-night kisses for his mama.

HOW could this happen?  WHY GOD?  Why?......

The next 2 months of school were the hardest of my teaching career.  How do I help his little friends heal?  How do I heal?  I still do not have the answers to those questions.  I've cried out to God DAILY.  Begging Him to help me.  To allow me to simply get through the school day.  I wanted to quit.  To throw in the towel.  The pain I felt for Tiffany (his mom....and now my dear friend) was intense.  I couldn't imagine.  Or could I?  Was that partly why it was so hard?  Had I felt a FRACTION of her pain long ago?  If that pain was magnified 1000x over.....then it's unexplainable.  I have come to realize there is NO greater pain on earth for a human to experience than that of losing their child.  More than a spouse.  More than a close friend  or family member.  Losing your child is.....sorrow upon sorrow.

As I have dealt with my own grief the past (almost) 4 months....I have felt the presence of my Father.  He has been here.  Right beside me.  Catching every tear shed.  Picking me up and giving me great strength on very ((tough)) days.  Once again He has shown His compassion and love.  He taught me numerous things during a year that was going so.....normally for my family.

 Very painful things occurred at the cemetery on the day of Elijiah's service in which I still to this day have dreams of.  Even now.  Even writing it and thinking back to it....are paralyzing for me.  There is DEEP pain.

Yet my heart rests calmly in His providence.  He knew.  He knew I needed Elijiah in my class this year.  He knew I could minister to his sweet Mama.  He knew she could minister to ME.  He knew there were still things I needed to work through regarding these past 5 years with Caed.

There still is not a day that goes by in which Patrick, Tiffany, Elijiah, their sweet family, or his best friends do not enter my mind somehow, in some way.  I am forever changed from this past year.  If I could rewind it and alter the horrible event that took place, I would!  But I know I am not in control.  Knowing God is...brings peace to my hurting heart.

We live in a world in which things do not stay "normal" for very long.  That is....until....God chooses to reveal  the next brushstroke.

Be encouraged!!  He is creating a BEAUTIFUL WORK of ART!!  Some day soon....we will see.