Can you believe...?

 Last week Todd and I anxiously sat along side many other parents in the gym stands for the first time. There was an excitement in the air, as well as a few giggles as we prepared ourselves for the FIRST GAME of Little Dribblers' Basketball. This was Caed's first year to be old enough to participate, and boy had he waited a long time for this day to arrive. As the two teams began to warm up under their designated goals, Todd leaned over and whispered, "Can you believe all he's been through?" I just shook my head. I couldn't even formulate the right words to respond. There he was. Just standing under the basket. Waiting his turn to shoot. He wasn't performing some great athletic feat. Just standing. And yet THAT moment is what caused Todd and I to sit there in utter silence (as though the only 2 people in the crowded gymnasium) with giant lumps in our throats and tears in our eyes.

 It's hard to believe it's come back again. I guess (difficult) anniversaries have a tendency to do that....unfortunately.  Tomorrow is March 1.  Those who have followed Caed's blog (even the tiniest bit) have heard me reference this particular day on the calendar many times.  It's the day our world as we knew it, changed forever.

Last year, we started a new tradition in which we would CELEBRATE this day.  It would no longer be a day in which Mommy walked around in a gray fog, but rather one in which we purposely planned something really fun to do.  Caed's choice, of course.  We would CELEBRATE his life and God's faithfulness.

However exciting the plans for this new day are.....I am also very realistic and know it ((WILL)) be tough.  Your mind just naturally goes there.  It goes back to what we were doing and where we were at certain times during the day.  I know each one of you can relate.  There is a date on the calendar (maybe even a few) in which you dread.  It is the anniversary of something so terribly painful in your life, and although it clearly is in the past.....it always seems to knock on the door faithfully every single year.

Caed is doing better than he EVER has!!!  It absolutely is amazing.  My prayer is that the LORD would consume my thoughts tomorrow.  HIS goodness.  HIS mercy.  HIS faithfulness.  HIS comforting arms.  HIS mind-boggling provisions.  HIS healing touch.  HIS love.....for my sweet boy.

I want to take this opportunity (once again) and just say THANK YOU!  So many of you have followed Caed's story for 5 LONG YEARS!  But not only have you followed it, you would be the Oscar winners of Best Supporting Cast.  I believe with all my heart, God heard the prayers of thousands upon thousands of his children all over this globe, crying out for mine.  POWERFUL!  To have been in the center of it.  To have felt it......

So, I ask the question again.  Can you really believe what all he's been through?  The answer is no.  And probably wouldn't had I not actually lived every single day and night of it. 

God, you are GOOD!  I will never be able to thank you enough for doing exactly what You did!

To 5 more ((full-of-life)) years.......

"What will you gain...when you lose?"

Have you guessed this popular slogan?  Surely you have either seen it on the side of a cereal box, a billboard, or TV by now.  Special K hit the nail on the head this year.  However I'm fairly certain they did not have the spiritual connection in mind when they came up with this clever play on words.  I wouldn't have either had I not had a dear friend "call me out" on my previous blog post  ;)

Over the past (almost) 5 years, I have definitely gone through stages of healing myself.  Currently, I am better than I ever have been.  However, there are those moments.....  When something unexpected triggers memories and pain so deep, I feel myself slipping back into the pit of despair.  My last post was just that.  We had to clean out much of Caed's medical supplies he didn't need anymore.  And although that is a GREAT thing, it forced me to revisit some tough days.....and reflect on many "losses" in my own life.

But, the Lord knew better and knew I needed a gentle reminder, not in all the things I had LOST, but rather.....the many many things I had indeed GAINED over these years.  (thank you Sarah for being that vessel)

For the past month, I knew I needed to write this post.  But, I purposely waited.  I wanted to be still for a season.....and just listen.  I prayed for God to put on my heart 3 things He wanted me to share.  I have actually gained so much, so to only pick 3.......is painfully hard.  Although I knew the Lord would reveal to me the ones He wanted.  Here it goes:  3 things I have gained....when I lost.

#1 - PERSPECTIVE - a mental view or outlook

I wish I could say I have this one mastered.  That in every area of my life....in every moment of my day, I keep my perspective totally in line.  I do not.  However, it isn't usually very long that the Lord doesn't gently remind me.  Typically it is through a flashback memory of absolute horrid moments with Caed lying in a hospital bed screaming in pain, begging me to make it stop.  It is me sitting in a waiting room chair numbed by the fact that I don't know if my son is dead or alive on the operating table.  It is me holding my newborn baby sobbing because I do not know him and he does not know me.  It is having a conversation with my husband in which the topic is a burial plot for our child.  It is sleeping alone (with my son hooked up to machines) dreaming of my husband and other 2 children who are 1000 miles away....month after month.  It is becoming a nurse against my will and being forced to do things to my own child I would never imagine doing to someone else's.   And it is visualizing our dear friends in unspeakable pain as they bury their 5 year old daughter.  My list is quite lengthy, but nevertheless, the Lord uses it OFTEN to remind me things could be worse.

Regardless of our current "struggles, " whether it be lost keys, piles of laundry that never get done, siblings who argue, too much homework, annoying West Texas blowing dust, running late, or someone cutting me off on the highway.......my newly gained perspective on life and death and the things that TRULY matter is something I honestly did not have prior to 2008.  I am 100% guilty in letting these minor life issues get the best of me, but I am SO grateful to God for using Caed's journey to always bring me back. To faithfully take my "eternal perspective" set of eyeglasses in which He entrusted to me 5 years ago, and lovingly setting them back on my face.

I am not happy that this awful tragedy attacked my sweet boy, but I am GRATEFUL that God continues to use it for good in countless ways. 

#2 - PLATFORM - a place, means, or opportunity for public expression of opinion

Those of you who know me and have since I was a little girl,  know that I am naturally an introvert and one who would much rather sit in the audience rather than be on a stage.  And yet, although God created me like this, He also, in His infinite wisdom, ordained this specific time in my life.  And He put me on a platform (blog) in which my voice...HIS GLORY....would reach around the globe.

I have referenced this many times before, but it literally sent chills up my spine (only days into our journey) in which He revealed this truth to me.  This was not just any devotional entry.  It was dated MARCH 1 (the very day Caed got sick) in the book Streams in the Desert:

"Your situation is filled with uncertainty and is very serious, but it is perfectly right. The reason behind it will more than justify Him who brought you here, for it is a PLATFORM for which God will display His almighty grace and power. He not only will deliver you but in doing so will impart a lesson that you will never forget. And in days to come, you will return to the truth of it through singing. You will be unable to ever thank God enough for doing exactly what He has done." (Streams in the Desert)

I literally become numb each time I re-read this, and am in awe of how prophetic it was....even when I couldn't see it back in March 2008.  Just as my gained sense of perspective has not been perfect over the years, neither have I been on the platform the Lord set me on.  I know many many days I simply wrote first, without prayer.  I vented about things that I was deeply hurt by.  I abused my platform and wish I could take it back.

I did not seek this voice which has transmitted time zones, state lines, and oceans.  Therefore I am confident without a doubt, it is from HIM.  I am humbled (and a bit freaked out!) at times when I view the hits on Caed's blog.  To see the dots....that circle the globe, and to be fully aware it is 100% God.  He is the creator of these nations and of every person who has read even 1 entry from this site.  This is nothing to Him.  Yet, I am amazed that He chose to use little 'ole Lori from a small West Texas town to help make HIM FAMOUS!  I don't have the time nor the words to express just HOW MANY people Caed's story has touched over the years.  When I sit back and literally see the hits, the "likes", the comments, the emails....from those I have not been in contact with for years and years.....or the complete strangers around the WORLD who have been impacted.....I'm speechless.

Yes, I definitely gained a platform.  Lord, help me use it for Your Glory alone!

#3 - TRUST - assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something.

This one seems obvious, I suppose.  Since becoming a Christian at the age of 10, the Lord has taught me through various situations what it means to trust Him.   But, nothing up to this point....has had the magnitude, the impact, of really understanding what it meant to trust.  Up to this point, my life had been relatively "easy, " pain free, and full of immeasurable blessings.  After Caed got sick, I remember so many days or nights begging God to make everything turn out ok.  To PLEASE HEAL my little boy!  And yet, to go back and read the blog....you will find a roller coaster.  One day is good, the next day is bad, the following is better, and then the next seems hopeless.  Learning to trust in situations like that.....is ((tough!))  Particularly when the answer you have been praying for takes years and years.

As Caed's journey progressed, so did the number of other families who were living a similar nightmare and our relationships with them.  They were a God-send.  They were the only ones who could relate.  Who could empathize. Who could encourage the way we needed to be.  We clung to their stories of hope and improvement....and ultimately healing.  It's easy to trust when you are surrounded by happy endings.  But then, what about all the children who did not make it?  What about these Mommies and Daddies, our friends, who ended up having to bury their precious children?  What then?  Could we still "trust God" that everything would work out for us?

The answer is not as simple as you might think.....or that the songs you learned in Sunday School might suggest.  It is a deep, VERY PAINFUL, process.  To truly let go.....and trust....is something that is learned.  Not through just Scripture memorization, but by experience.  I believe now that you have to get to a point (rock bottom possibly) in which there is absolutely positively NO WAY OUT!  You can't use your great physique to climb out.  You can't use your voice to yell loud enough to be rescued.  You can't use your "smarts" to engineer a way out.  Nothing. You have NO "power" in and of yourself to fix the problem.  You simply have nothing else to cling to....but Him.  That is but only 1side of the Trust coin. 

The flip-side is getting to a point in which you can honestly say......"Not only am I clinging to YOU alone, but I am trusting that YOU KNOW BEST in regards to the outcome."  I think that one is the hardest.  It was for me.  There were so many days in which we honestly did not know whether Caed would pull through this or not.  We knew God was there.  We could literally see His Hands at work daily.  But, we also knew the final chapter was His to write.  He would still be perfectly Just and Faithful and Holy and GOOD....had He chosen to take Caed.  (and still is!)

We Christians often say, "yes, God.....we trust that You will work all of this out!"  Let me translate.  What we are usually meaning is:  "God, we know You will make all the bad go away and bring a good, happy, Disney-fairytale ending to our current struggle.  We trust You!"  Over the last 5 years, I have learned it is just the opposite.  It is saying instead, "God, we are hurting.  We are desperate for Your intervention.  We believe You have the power to simply say the word and it will be ok.  Yet, we TRUST that YOU are an infinite, all-knowing, all-loving, all-gracious God who has a master plan that exceeds our wildest imagination. 
You wrote the story.  You know what an AMAZING ending You have already planned out.  Help us God to cling to this instead.  Give us the strength and grace to keep on keeping on......even when we don't understand Your plan, and things don't turn out the way we thought it should."

Trust is letting go.....not knowing how it will end.  But being confident HE DOES and HE KNOWS BEST!


So, I will go back to my original question.  What will you gain when you lose?  Remember it.  Engrave it in your heart.  We will ALL lose something, someone....so very dear to us.  Something or someone that we think we could never live without.  But also remember, when the Lord "takes away......" He also gives in return.  What it will be exactly.....is the mystery.  Be assured though.  It will be something "immeasurably more than you could ever ask or imagine." (Eph. 3)