75 minutes

I'm honestly quite speechless.  Not even sure how to start this one......

Tonight was incredible!

Caed's 1st game of the season.  The first time he got to wear the FULL uniform.  The first time his name would be called in the batting lineup.  No more standing on the "sidelines" giving hand signals.  No more sitting in the dugout all alone.

Before the game, Caed mentioned to us how nervous he was.  He was so excited, and yet scared to death he wouldn't hit the ball.  (those who know the ending to this story, may go ahead and chuckle here....)  Adrenaline had set in quickly.  We got a kick watching him warm-up and seeing him sprint the whole time.  To say he was excited is an understatement.  The coaches graciously allowed Caed to be first up at bat.  As he stepped up to the plate, the dugout erupted in full unison....."Let's go Caed!  Let's go Caed!....."  Excitement was in the air.  Everyone (even these little 7-8 yr. old boys) knew how big of a night this was for him.  One teammate even decorated a poster and hung it on the fence to show his support.

The pitches came in and before we knew it, he had 2 strikes.  We sat on the edge of our seats holding our breaths, PRAYING for God to please just let him hit.  Next, he tipped a foul ball.   Finally....there was contact!

Honestly that in itself was good enough for us.  He hit the ball.  All good.  We could go home now.  But, apparently Caed had other plans.  As he ran past first.....and then second....and then THIRD......my heart was about to explode.  Literally a flood gate of tears....uncontrollable sobs...were fixing to be unleashed (and it wasn't going to be pretty).  Then as he crossed home plate and the realization of what he had just done sunk in, I couldn't believe it.  I sat stunned as I watched his entire team explode out of the dugout to congratulate him.

How could this happen?  Did God REALLY just do that?!?!  I wasn't sure at that point whether to laugh or cry thinking of what had just occurred.....and more importantly knowing....it wasn't Caed.  He is 49-50 lbs of skin and bones, endured FOUR abdominal surgeries just this year, hasn't been able to play or practice the entire season..........and he steps up and does THAT?
Definitely a God-thing.

The game continues.  The Pirates dominate, making some great plays.  It's now time for the line up to start over.  Caed steps up to the plate again.  ANOTHER HOME RUN!!!!

Ok.  At this point, the whole (Pirate) crowd is laughing.  TWO HR's?!?!  How in the world???

Finally, there is time for yet another trip to the plate.

Yep....you guessed it.  THREE HOME RUNS in a single game!

Wow.

As he crossed home plate and ran back to the dugout....our eyes met only for a split second.  He was trying so hard to hide his excitement (and play it cool, I guess)...but he gave me a quick little grin and I could see that sparkle in his eye (again).

At this point.....I don't care if Caed strikes out every single time he steps back up to hit.  Sure, it would be heart-breaking for him (for anyone), but tonight was a gift.  An ENORMOUS heavenly gift, and one that will not be taken for granted.  It's not about baseball.  It's not about winning.  It's not even about the triple HR's!  But, rather, knowing where Caed has been....and seeing where he is today.  He is walking, breathing, cleat-wearing, Popsicle-eating, free of ANY and ALL tubes protruding out of his frail, little body.  He is laughing, running, hitting, swimming!  These "normal" things are HUGE for him.   I think back, not over the past 4 years.....but rather just 365 days.  This child has gone through some very dark days and nights.  Hell.  Plain and simple.  I guess that's what makes tonight.....absolutely mind-blowing.  Flashes of the pain.  The screams for help.  The agony trying to walk but only a couple of steps.  The packing of a deep open ab wound day after day.  Wheeling him away from us.  4 times over.  Oh, the pain he has endured.  The frustrations.  The disappointments.  The grief.  This year has been SO incredibly difficult for him.  Much more than anyone knows.

So, for God to do this for Caed tonight.  We are speechless.....

It reminds me how much God loves us, and how much He loves giving good gifts to His children.  Yes, tonight was a true gift.  I don't know how much Caed will remember this when he is older.  When he is all grown helping coach his own son in a game of baseball.  All of it?  Some of it?  None of it....?  I don't think it will matter if ANY of us remember it.

It was about one night.
Just 75 short minutes.
And being reminded that God is clearly not finished with him yet.............

This sign was almost TOO much for Mama to see during the game!  But, I thank sweet Morgan (and his Mom) for their support and compassion. 

Yesterday Caed received yet another wonderful gift.  SWIM TIME!!!!!!!!!!  This was the first.  He has waited so long for this, and finally was given the green light.  We were a little concerned thinking maybe he forgot how!  But, he just jumped right in....never skipped a beat.  He has 2 pretty special friends who have walked this difficult year along side him.  They have been SO sensitive and protective of him at school after each surgery.  I THANK GOD for these two!!!!!!!!

Not Just Any Game

It's hard to believe it's been 3 years.  No, not since the dreadfully unexpected volvulus.  But rather 3 years ago that Caed first started baseball....or should I say T-ball.  He missed the first year he was eligible to play due to that small thing of "fighting for his life" in a hospital bed for 90+ days.  So, the following March, after a year spent living in hospitals......when he finally got to play, it was a monumental day for Caed, as well as our family!

I remember so clearly sitting in the bleachers at his first game thinking......"I know this is a big moment for all you other moms and dads.  I know you are so excited to see your son out there playing.  BUT.....it goes SO BEYOND that for us.  Sure, we've dreamed of this day since Caed was a baby (probably), but you don't understand.  This little boy you see stepping up to the plate should have died last year!  Do you know the trauma and unspeakable suffering he has had to endure this past year?  It's unimaginable.  Do you know what lies underneath that bright orange Celina uniform?  A feeding tube.  This is not just any baseball game, you see.  Number 10 is a living, breathing.....miracle."

I have found myself transported back to that day.  My heart literally feels as though it might burst.  In 4 short days, Caed will be stepping back up to the plate (for the first time).  He has been through so much this past year, and has been forced to "sit and watch" his friends run and play and slide and climb and swim and hit and catch.  But not for long.

This weekend, Todd began practicing quite a bit with Caed.  He is definitely "out of shape."  (and I mean that literally.  He lost a lot of muscle after the last surgery)  Caed's form is there.  The power behind it....not as much.

Yesterday, Caed came to me asking if he could wear his cleats when he and his Dad went out to practice.  (Sure!!!)  Then, a little later, he came asking if it would be ok if he wore his uniform.  (You bet!!!)  He explained to me that he would probably be able to move better and faster with it on. ;)

At this point, I really wanted to cry!  To see him so excited to put on his uniform....not just the shirt, but his cap and pants and socks and belt.  The whole 9 yards.  And to know we didn't have a game to go to.  He was simply wanting to go out and practice with his Dad.  It meant everything to him.  The freedom.  The liberation.  The confidence.  The joy.  He was finally getting to "be normal like the rest of his friends."

Friday is a big day for Caed.  No, it's HUGE!  And although for most moms and dads sitting there rooting for their favorite little player, it may seem like any normal Little League game......

......there will be a miracle stepping up to the plate once again.  The number on the back of his jersey may have changed, but it's him.  He may knock it out of the park, or he might even strike out.  Either way, it doesn't matter.  Because of God's great love and mercy and (perfectly timely) Healing Hands, my little boy will finally get to do something.....seemingly very small and insignificant, that means more to him than any of us can truly comprehend.   

Thank you Lord for the life lessons You are teaching him at every step along this journey....even at such a young age.  I pray You continue molding Caed and getting him ready for the great work You have in store for him in the future.

365

That's roughly the number of days Caed's latest issue has lasted.  I remember this time last year him coming to my classroom several times a week (and then even a day) complaining of his tummy hurting.  Something was clearly wrong, but what?

June 2011 comes in at a close 2nd to the most awful memories of the past 4 years.  We didn't know it at the time, but he was experiencing severe gallbladder attacks....which then ultimately led to the removal of it later that month in Nebraska.

Last summer was tough.  (for many reasons)  But, for this little boy, it was filled with enormous physical pain, and then the emotional grief soon followed.  Caed was not allowed to do much of anything.  First and foremost, SWIM.  A summer just isn't a summer without endless afternoons spent in the pool.  Even a family trip planned to a big Texas water park had to be canceled.  He sat poolside more times than I care to count watching everyone else have all the fun.  It was a very difficult balance which had to be mastered daily.  To say no to all water....all pool time....was unfair to my other 2 children.  However, forcing Caed to sit and watch...at the age of 8, was likewise tremendously unfair.

This school year then brought not 1.....not 2....but 3 surgeries. All wound revisions for the initial gallbladder removal.  Now, here we are.  Sitting 5 weeks out from the latest......

Waking my kids up for school is progressively getting harder and harder as the year is coming to an end.  Caed particularly.  But today was different.  As I was trying to get him up, I said, "Remember we get to go see  Dr. G today!  Maybe she'll release you for swimming....."  Immediately a big smile came over his face (eyes still closed however).  And then he whispered, "....and maybe baseball too?"
And that was that.  He was up.  All day he kept asking me when it was time to head to the doctor.  This boy was EXCITED!  I was too.....but yet also very nervous not knowing what she would say.

The final verdict................(insert drumroll here):

     -INCISION HAS CLOSED!
     -he is released to swim!
     -he can finally play baseball (beginning next weekend) and finish out the remainder of the season with the  rest of the Pirates!   (but will be restricted to the outfield......per Mom and Dad)
     -he is back up to 50 lbs!!!!  Pre-surgery weight was around 52.
     -there is a VERY VERY VERY happy boy sleeping soundly tonight, likely dreaming of Josh Hamilton!

We have been celebrating this evening.  What an amazing(ly difficult) year this has been, yet we are so excited for Caed!  He has waited for this day for such a long time.  Words fall terribly short.....

Please continue to pray for Caed, and yes....the incision.  Todd and I are beyond relieved and excited, and yet I would be lying if I said we weren't still scared.  How do we know it really is closed this time?  What if something happens?  We are desperately praying for God to shower us with His Peace and to give us wisdom.  I desire so much to completely let go of the rope I have been clenching this entire year.  I want to trust fully, yet I know from much experience God doesn't always answer our prayers the way we want.  I know He has a bigger....a better plan.  But my heart screams for mercy to be given to Caed with his incision.

So is it an oxymoron to say we are extremely joyful to see Caed get to finally do all these things he has longed for.....but also scared out of our minds?  Can we at last knock down the wall...the guard....we have been progressively building over the past 12 months?  Is it finally safe to do so....or is the enemy still lingering, still pacing, waiting for just the right moment to pounce.....once again?

THANK YOU ALL so much for lifting Caed up!  And we thank GOD for carrying us this past year, in particular.

Desperately trying to REST in His Healing Hands....



                                       (first BIG bath in.......a long time)

Peace Be Still

This picture basically sums up my heart and soul these days.  I am feeling the pressures from every side and have recently come to the realization, "I am running in circles.  Nonstop.  Desperately trying to meet all of life's demands.  And yet things, and more importantly people, are suffering from my inability to do so."  None of these things or people are bad.  Nothing is out to get me....intentionally.  But I feel like the rope in a vicious game of tug-of-war.

My body is weary.  So much so it sent me via ambulance to the hospital 3 days ago.  I am fine.  Unfortunately it's just my body's way of saying.....STOP!

Sounds good on paper.  In reality, an impossibility.

I can pin point the 4-5 other times in my life where it got to this point.  In hindsight, I can also track all the causes that led up to it.  To prevent it from happening again is like trying to stop a roller coaster in the middle of the track. 

The answer unfortunately is not as simple as clearing my calendar.  It's just life.  The day in - day out normal things that everyone must do to.....survive.  I also am fully aware it's not just physical exhaustion that has overcome me, but rather....and more importantly, emotional.  I guess in the craziness of this past year, I forgot to refuel the gas tank.  Riding along on "E" eventually catches up to you.

The answer also is not "summer being 15 days away."  Although I have certainly been guilty of thinking so myself.  Even though my job as a teacher gets to go on vacation for 10 weeks, my life doesn't.  Bummer...

My Beacon of Light has been ever so softly whispering to me...

Peace be still.....

Most times I have been too busy to stop and listen.  Really listen to those 3 little words. I guess the Lord's "mysterious ways" also come in the form of hospital admissions to MAKE us take notice.  Five to be exact just this year. 

As much as I wish for some magical formula, or some special vitamin supplement to provide instant peace....it's not there.  Nothing the world offers will satisfy.  Only the Word of God which I am clinging to for dear life.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."   Matt. 11:28-30