and counting....
Today marks the 3rd anniversary of Caed's short gut and the trauma-filled year that followed. Thus far, I feel exactly as I did the previous 2. There is such a heaviness in my heart. Although Caed is alive today and thriving (praise GOD!)....the memories from that dark time always seem to surface more now than any other time of the year. March 1st. To be honest.....I hate this day on the calendar. It conjures up such deep pain, and flashes of those first 24...48....72 hours haunt me all day long. As hard as I try to stop them....I cannot.
I know so many of you have your own "dreaded anniversaries" that take their place on the calendar every year. A day that signifies a great loss in your life. You understand. I am only 3 years out from mine, so I cannot truthfully say that it gets better. Maybe it does. Maybe not. "Time heals all wounds." Isn't that the famous saying? I know with the passing of each year the stinging pain does lessen; however, the scar will always be there. I was recently told (in so many words)....to get over it. To "face my fears and move on." I know it was said in love. NOT to hurt me. But, it did. I assure you I have and continue to "face my fears" everyday for the past 3 years. I face it head on every night while hooking my little boy up to a machine. I face it everyday when I have to look at that awful "button" that protrudes out of his abdomen. I face it when I let him be a normal little boy and wrestle with his friends even though I am screaming inside with fear that his G-tube will be ripped out of his stomach. I face my fears every month while watching my son give blood and having to endure test after test in a hospital that we once called "home." I face them as I lug box after heavy box of medical supplies that are delivered to my front porch each month. I face them daily knowing the realization that we came so close....so very close to losing our 4 year old little boy. The events of the past 3 years are now apart of me. You cannot separate the two. There is no "getting over it." And for that, I am thankful. God, in His incredible love and providence has allowed those events (as awful as they were) to shape me. To mold me and teach me things that I would NEVER in a million years have learned otherwise. I can bawl at the drop of a hat when I hear a song that references God as "Healer." It's not just a neat church-y word that I have heard all my life. It is REAL to me now! And it will silence me to the core upon hearing it. I will continue to face my fears. And I will continue to move on....to press forward. However, I cannot move forward without remembering the events of the past. They go hand in hand. Oh, God! May I NEVER EVER forget!!!!
Yes, it's been 3 years. Three incredible years! We celebrated Caleb's 3rd birthday just a few weeks ago. I can't believe how big he has gotten. Where did my baby go? Caed is also doing well. He is happy and "short gut healthy." Reagan has made lots of new friends, got involved with cheer, and of course busy in school. We are all adjusting to our recent move and job transition. I have loved getting back into the classroom and am finally feeling more settled. We are continuing to search for a church home, but know God is in control and will lead us to just the "right one" in His perfect timing. We are very excited and eager for that day to come.
We want to thank SO many of you who have continued to follow Caed's story. It's not over, but oh, we PRAISE GOD for His work in Caed's life. Thank you for also continuing to put up with me. Thank you for simply "listening" to me vent and pour out my heart these past 3 years. I know without a doubt I have not dealt with all of this perfectly. I have made so many mistakes. But, I am learning. Thank you for being patient with me through it all.
We love each of you......and I promise I will try to update the blog better!! I have desperately missed writing. Although I am not promising anything too profound, I will do my best to post pictures (which I LOVE) and more family updates. ;)
