Suffer Well…
We are technically only 3 weeks into the summer, yet I’ve already labeled this as “A Summer of Suffering.” On June 1, Caed came to me with what looked like tiny bug bites all over both feet. I doctored them the best I knew how, but a day later reached out to Facebook for suggestions after the “bites” began spreading up his leg. Finally, after our 3rdattempt to get a confident diagnosis from a doctor, we were told he had Henoch Schonlein Purpura or HSP. Everything we read about this strange auto-immune disease matched up perfectly to what Caed was experiencing. A horrible rash has spread up his legs, arms, and abdomen. The worst, thus far, continues to be the severe intestinal pain he experiences; three of which have led us to the ER desperate for relief. Two of those visits ended with hospital admissions. Caed’s mobility has also suffered greatly. His movements mimic a 90 yr. old man. Numbness and painful “knots” have popped up randomly all over his body. (he hasn’t used his right hand in several days). Doctors have closely been monitoring his kidney function because HSP tends to not only cause an awful rash/ joint, muscle pain…but also can hit the bowel and kidneys. Due to Caed’s medical history having Short Bowel Syndrome (losing the majority of his gut), the doctors have been overly cautious in regards to the intestinal pain from this HSP. So far we are only on week 3 of a disease that is supposed to last 4-8+. Some days we feel sure we must have reached the peak. Then, quickly are slapped in the face when the rash and pain are more severe and widespread than ever before.
Watching Caed suffer is not new. In fact, it’s unfortunately more the norm. However, watching him lately in this amount of pain, is unexplainable. Unless you have lived it. Unless you have sat beside your loved one as they scream hour after hour in agony…and you can do nothing to help, you just can’t fathom the heaviness. The helplessness. The number of times we have been forced to do just that over the past 11 years with him…is numerous. It never gets easy.
We are certainly praying that the 8+ week estimation of the HSP in Caed’s body is wrong, and for God to show up BIG and allow Caed to heal much sooner than expected. Yet, we also are gearing up for the long haul and praying for perseverance if it indeed goes as expected. Caed should eventually heal from this, and Lord willing, not have any lasting effects. For that, to God be the Glory!
Simultaneously, the same time Caed was being diagnosed with HSP, one of my dearest best friends was also being diagnosed with Stage 4 pancreatic cancer. She was a God-send my sophomore year of college, as the Lord knew how desperately I needed her in my life. We were bridesmaids in each other’s weddings and had each of our 3 children 18 mos. apart. Right now, I just don’t have the words…my heart feels like it might explode. She is one of the best friends I’ve ever had. Oh, how God blessed my socks off when He gave me that friendship!
“A Summer of Suffering…”
Whether it is the health my own child or of my dear friend…the Lord is calling me to suffer right now. And although it is not me physically enduring the pain, the emotional searing of my soul (having to sit back and watch both Caed and Marilyn in unspeakable torment) seems almost too much to bear some days. I am in NO way comparing what these two are going through. Marilyn has been called to walk the ultimate. She is fighting for her life. There is nothing harder…
I have spoken of “heavenly anesthesia” before. It’s something I discovered probably 10 years ago when Caed was at his worst. There are days you feel numb. You see close family members and friends around you in anguish and you find yourself without tears, no emotion, as though wandering through a thick fog. People call you “strong,” yet deep down you know the truth. It has absolutely nothing to do with you, but everything to do with God. In hindsight, it was those moments I knew he was mercifully administering the perfect dose of heavenly anesthesia to help with the bulk of the (emotional) pain, yet not numbing me fully, so that I would hurt just enough to not lose reliance and desperation for Him.
The past few days the Lord has put two words on my heart: Suffer Well. He continually keeps whispering them to me, even though my flesh wants to scream out “Why won’t you just make it STOP, Lord?...if you really were a loving, caring God, you wouldn’t allow all this pain and suffering!”
Romans 8:17-18 - “Now if we are children, then we are heirs – heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in His sufferings in order that we may also share in His glory. I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in time.”
2 Corinthians 2:4:16-18 – “So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light and momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.”
I’m still learning what it means to “suffer well”, but I’m confident what it does NOT mean. It is not happy all the time, in fact you might rarely ever see a smile. It does not live in a false reality, pretending the bad is not happening. It is not 100% numb; it feels deeply. It does not constantly have God’s word or the most beautiful Christian melody on its lips; sometimes it might even have its fists raised to God questioning His presence.
I think “suffering well” is possibly quite messy in appearance. I think it rises and falls just as the ebb and flow of an ocean tide. There will be good days. Days in which you not only feel God, but see Him in every tiny detail. You can’t thank Him enough for His tender and compassionate mercies in your life. Then…there are the bad. Days in which the darkness overshadows any glimpse of sunlight. Fear, Despair, Frustration, and Exhaustion are your ever-present companions. The night seems never ending.
Suffering well is clinging to Jesus with every fiber of your being. It is a moment by moment choice to not give satan a foothold of unbelief. It is fixing your eyes on what is unseen, and believing He is working all (yes, even the suffering) for your good and His ultimate glory.
Suffering well points others to Jesus, despite your unimaginable pain. That's just what my precious Marilyn is doing. Oh, there is hurt and agony, in the middle of the night while the rest of her world is soundly asleep. There is fear. Fear of the unknown and fear of what lies ahead. Yet, there is still a joy and a peace that passes all understanding. As the door of their home opens, it rushes out and consumes all who enter in. Are there messy, no...horrific ugly days and nights occurring in their home this summer? Without a doubt, yes. But, what we all see is that Jeff and Marilyn (and their 3 amazing kids) don't stay in the pit of despair for long. You see, they have built their marriage, their home, their lives on the solid rock of Jesus. Hurricane force winds and torrential rains are ripping through their family this summer, and it hurts....so badly! Yet, with joy they are standing FIRM. With joy they are holding tightly to a sovereign God, who promises He will NEVER leave or forsake them. With joy, they are sharing in the sufferings of their Lord. And with joy, they will one day receive an eternal weight of glory, which is incomprehensible here on this earth!
Marilyn shared with me back in January that God had given her a 'word' for this coming year. Keep in mind, her cancer diagnosis was months away. She had absolutely no idea what 2019 would hold. God laid on her heart the word "HOPE."
Psalm 33:20 - We wait in HOPE for the LORD; He is our help and our shield.
Psalm 52:9 - For what you have done I will always praise you in the presence of your faithful people. And I will HOPE in your name, for your name is good.
Psalm 71:5 - For you have been my HOPE, Sovereign LORD, my confidence since my youth.
Psalm 119:147 - I rise before the dawn and CRY FOR HELP; I have put my HOPE in your word.
Isaiah 40:31 - ...but those who HOPE in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
Lamentations 3:29 - The LORD is good to those whose HOPE is in Him, to the one who seeks Him.
Micah 7:7 - But as for me, I watch in HOPE for the LORD, I wait for God my Savior, my God will hear me.
Romans 12:12 - Be joyful in HOPE, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
Philippians 1:20 - I eagerly expect and HOPE that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death.
Titus 3:7 - ...so that, having been justified by His grace, we might become heirs having the HOPE of eternal life.
Hebrews 11:1- Now faith is confidence in what we HOPE for and assurance about what we do not see.
Suffering well is opening your heart daily to receive new HOPE.
HOPE for today. Strength for tomorrow…
Jesus, YOU are our living HOPE!
