Five months ago Todd and I had an incredible opportunity to fly to New England for the first time. It was a much needed time to get away, and what better place to do so in the fall. We departed Dallas very early in the morning, and as our plane took off, I took a quick glance out the window and was immediately awestruck. The sun was coming up over a beautiful soft blanket of clouds. It was absolutely breathtaking. Then....it hit me. I was so captivated by the view from above that I almost missed it. The clouds broke just enough to see what lie underneath them. Cold. Dreary. Foggy. It was indeed one of those cold rainy autumn days I knew those in Dallas waking up to it, were wishing they could avoid and just go back to bed. The two extreme views that I was witnessing of the very same day took my breath away. I wanted so badly to share with those on the ground...."Oh, if you could only see what is on the other side of those low lying clouds pressing down upon you. It's beautiful!"
God spoke to me in those brief few seconds.
"Lori, this is what life is like. You only see but a fraction of the entire picture. You see darkness, storm clouds, uncertainty, hopelessness, and fear. My sweet daughter....if you only knew what lie just over the horizon. The beauty would literally take your breath away. I know your view is limited. That is how I designed it. TRUST ME! Believe that I am GOOD, and my plans for you are perfect. I can't wait for the day when those clouds will be rolled back and you will finally SEE! You will finally understand the plans I had for your life and how each and every day, the good as well as the bad, were masterfully purposed. I am choosing to use YOU. I love you so much...more than you will ever comprehend. The tears you cry do not go unnoticed. I collect each and every one in my bottle and record all of your sorrows in my book. How I desire to dry your tears and show you the beauty of the final chapter....how everything indeed is working for good. Yet, I also know my timing is perfect and I have more plans for you to fulfill. Press on. Continue to fight. The storm clouds will not last forever. I love to lavish you with my good gifts. Don't miss them....sometimes they come disguised. One day....Lori. I will finally call you home to ME and show you beauty like you could never imagine. One day, it will all make sense."
Today marks 7 years.....
7 years ago we were living our life, day in, day out, as normally as any family does. Caleb was only 3 weeks old and the joy we were experiencing with our newborn was amazing. And then.....in the blink of an eye....it all changed. Without any warning, the flood waters crashed over our heads and swept us down a long, painful, uncertain river. At times the waters calmed, and we were able to catch our breaths, only to be pulled under again and again. 7 years. Seems like a lifetime ago.....seems like yesterday.
This past week we lost a sweet friend. On one hand, Caed and Sonny could not be more different. Almost 60 years separated them, yet their experiences over these past 6 years bonded them together like no other. Caed and Sonny both had 1 day in time that changed the course of their lives forever. They fought. Hard. They both endured more physically than most of us could dare dream of. They also shared the very same doctor and rehab team in Nebraska. The very ones responsible for giving them both an amazing QUALITY OF LIFE.
Some very tough painful conversations occurred this week as we told Caed that Sonny had gone to be with Jesus. He had questions that completely shocked me. As much as we have not only lived through but also talk about frequently....I couldn't believe the details of his story that Caed did not know. Maybe as he is getting older, things are being comprehended differently. One such question was: "Mom, did they ever tell you that I only had a few hours left to live?" (with tear filled eyes boring a hole straight through me)
It was something I thought we had talked about many times. Yet, somehow it was new to him. I had to look my son in the eyes and say, "Although Dad and I didn't know how serious things were while you were in surgery, Dr. G told us a few days later that she thought you were going to die on the operating table. Caed, medically speaking, you should have died that night. YET....GOD SAVED YOU!"
I'm not sure words can adequately convey just HOW overwhelmed I get with this thought. Yes, even 7 years later. MY GOD EXTENDED GREAT MERCY ON MY SON! I could write for a thousand years on the ways He has done this. From March 1, 2008.....through the entire journey with our incredible team here at Covenant, then...to Nebraska. I am speechless when it comes to the IRP team there. Had we not gone to Omaha, we are convinced Caed would have been put on the multi-organ transplant list (which had already been discussed with us a few times). The Caed we know today...would probably not be the same child (if he even was still alive).
Receiving great mercy also comes with great guilt. (at least for me) I know too many Mommies that do not share the same ending to their child's story. It is not that God didn't extend mercy to them, He simply chose to show it in a different way by healing their children in heaven. My head knows this is truth. My heart cries oceans for their loss.
As unexplainable as traumatic anniversaries are, we will once again CHOOSE JOY today. Our tradition has been to make March 1 a fun day for Caed. To celebrate God's goodness and thank him for his mercy. We may not understand (this side of heaven) why God chose to allow that "awful" event to occur in Caed's life, but we are confident of God's heavenly perspective and how He has and is still using it for our good and His glory.
He has given us 7 BEAUTIFUL MORE YEARS with our sweet boy. That's exactly 2, 555 days not being taken for granted....
