I'll be honest. There are many times after posting on Caed's blog that I question if the day will come that I have nothing more to write about. However, I've also learned that when God puts something on my heart, it is STRONG...and it typically comes when I least expect it.
Literal locations can be oh so sweet. They can bring laughter and smiles as we remember "the good 'ole days" or moments in ours lives that brought us unspeakable JOY. We all have them. They can be buildings or rooms, roads or houses. Maybe even an entire city. When we come back to that place, things appear surreal, maybe even a little different. Yet the memory of being there warms our hearts. Literal locations can likewise go the other direction. Pain, tragedy, loss.... Going back to the very spot where so much hurt once lived can be crippling. I have several of these. Some in which I purposefully stay far away from.....
Unannounced. Unplanned. The Lord took me back to one of those locations today.
As I dropped Caed off this morning (more on that later), I knew I had a good hour to kill. It was a beautiful morning, so I decided to go to the nearest park and walk. It was a familiar park. It is located right down the street from where Todd grew up and his mom still lives. As I got out of my car, I went through my normal checklist. Ear phones in. iPod set to shuffle. Ready! I had made it a little over 1/2 way around the lake when it hit me. Like a ton of bricks. I stopped. I turned around to take a good look at what had literally slapped me in the face. The other runners/walkers continued on pace as I turned around and began walking the opposite direction. I stopped right here, sat down, and took a deep breath. In that "God moment, " a new song began to play on my iPod. "Sovereign" by Chris Tomlin.
The Lord had taken me back to a place. A literal location which held a very deep painful memory. It was shortly after Caed's 3rd surgery. Things were not going well. There was no significant change for the better. We were seeing zero progress, and the drs had begun to mention the word "multi organ transplant." We had experience with that word. We knew too much. We knew the risks. And we knew in some cases "transplant" equates "a little more time." You see, Todd's dad had a heart transplant just 13 years prior. Those words and the reality of our very own child having to experience it....led Todd and I to a conversation I will have trouble ever forgetting. The words "burial plot" should never have to be spoken between a mommy and a daddy. I remember my mind spinning. The room became fuzzy and all I wanted to do was RUN AWAY!
So I did.
I left the hospital that night, got into my car, and began driving....driving....driving. To where? I had no idea. But the Lord was there (although I probably was not feeling his presence right at that moment). My car turned down a road and stopped. I got out and began walking. It was pitch black out. Probably way after midnight. I got to a spot, sat down, took a deep breath and cried my eyes out...
I am uncertain how long I was there. But the Lord eventually began to clear my mind. He was there! Word pictures began flooding my head. He was speaking. Directly to me! Things which I had experienced the month leading up to that night were being replayed over and over in my head. Only this time, He was using them as analogies to show HIS LOVE for me, his daughter. As I think back over the past 6 years with Caed's SBS, that one night...sitting alone crying out to God at this lake still ranks as one of the worst days of my life.
I left the park that night still broken. Still uncertain. And still scared to death. However, there was peace...unexplainable.
Since moving back to Lubbock, we have driven by this park 1000 times. Yes, there are times I still remember that horrible night as I take a quick glance from the road. But, it hit me this morning, I had not been back to that literal location since that night in April 2008. I believe He brought me back at that exact moment....for such a time as this.
Here are the lyrics to the song that "just so happened" to be playing as I unexpectantly found myself at this very special spot today:
Sovereign by Chris Tomlin
Sovereign in the mountain air
Sovereign on the ocean floor
With me in the calm
With me in the storm
Sovereign in my greatest joy
Sovereign in my deepest cry
With me in the dark
With me at the dawn
In your everlasting arms
All the pieces of my life
From beginning to the end
I can trust you
In your never failing love
You work everything for good
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you
Sovereign in the mountain air
Sovereign on the ocean floor
With me in the calm
With me in the storm
Sovereign in my greatest joy
Sovereign in my deepest cry
With me in the dark
With me at the dawn
In your everlasting arms
All the pieces of my life
From beginning to the end
I can trust you
In your never failing love
You work everything for good
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you
All my hopes
All I need
Held in your hands
All my life
All of me
Held in your hands
All my fears
All my dreams
Held in your hands
All my hopes
All I need
Held in your hands
All my life
All of me
Held in your hands
All my fears
All my dreams
Held in your hands
In your everlasting arms
All the pieces of my life
From beginning to the end
I can trust you
In your never failing love
You work everything for good
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you
Sovereign on the ocean floor
With me in the calm
With me in the storm
Sovereign in my greatest joy
Sovereign in my deepest cry
With me in the dark
With me at the dawn
In your everlasting arms
All the pieces of my life
From beginning to the end
I can trust you
In your never failing love
You work everything for good
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you
Sovereign in the mountain air
Sovereign on the ocean floor
With me in the calm
With me in the storm
Sovereign in my greatest joy
Sovereign in my deepest cry
With me in the dark
With me at the dawn
In your everlasting arms
All the pieces of my life
From beginning to the end
I can trust you
In your never failing love
You work everything for good
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you
All my hopes
All I need
Held in your hands
All my life
All of me
Held in your hands
All my fears
All my dreams
Held in your hands
All my hopes
All I need
Held in your hands
All my life
All of me
Held in your hands
All my fears
All my dreams
Held in your hands
In your everlasting arms
All the pieces of my life
From beginning to the end
I can trust you
In your never failing love
You work everything for good
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you
Oh, yeah....remember the reason WHY I found myself at the park this morning? I was wasting time while I dropped Caed off? Yep. That's right. As I sat at this particular park contemplating God's sovereign plan and faithfulness in my life and reminiscing dark days in which we wondered if Caed would survive all this....he was jumping and sprinting and working up a really good sweat with the Strength and Conditioning coach at Texas Tech University in Speed and Agility Camp.
Ironic?
Nope. Just one more reason God continues to make me smile as He reminds me He's in control!
