It was a harmless Kindergarten assignment. Yet it has once again brought a sickening feeling to my stomach and pain I can't shake.
Caleb was chosen to be "Wildcat of the Week" in his Kindergarten class and was asked to bring a poster with several photos of him growing up. Simple enough, right? Should be...
However because Caleb's very existence into this world 5 yrs ago mirrors almost to the day when Caed got sick, every moment of his "babyhood" was severely overshadowed by a big brother fighting for his life.
I typically enjoy these assignments. It always produces lots of laughs with the family and con jours up sweet memories of days gone by too quickly. Not today. As I began my search for pictures, it naturally led me to Caed's blog. Caleb does not have a cute little baby book. Nor even 1 single album filled with all his "firsts." The blog is where most of his baby pictures are at unfortunately. I scrolled and scrolled. Quickly. To stop for even a second, to let my eyes rest on any particular post is something I find I cannot do anymore. With every picture posted, I can "go back" in an instant. I can see images beyond the walls of my camera lens. I can hear the sounds. Smell the smells. My heart physically/literally begins to ache. (a very real phenomenon I have never understood)
Two distinct pains came into play this evening as I searched and scrolled. Grief for Caed and all he had to endure for what seemed....forever. Then a very real grief for Caleb. Time I lost with my baby. With every picture, guilt and anger and bitterness and overwhelming sadness flooded my heart.
I HATE that I wasn't there. I HATE that I don't have more pictures of you to choose from, my sweet Caleb. I'm so sorry you (and your sister) had to take a backseat for so long. I was forced to be away from you longer than any mother should. I missed your nightly newborn feedings. Your first tooth. Dr. appts. First word. Crawling. Walking. I know YOU don't remember any of it! I know you have not been adversely affected. You were surrounded by SO MUCH love and care. That I know. Yet, I will never be able to explain the hole that will always be in my heart. Time does not fill it. As a mother, I missed out on so much. Trying to put together a simple poster of photos only validates that in my heart.
Of all the things I have learned over the years, 1 is that grief is good and grief is necessary. I did not say it was fun! And lastly that grief has no time limit. I can become overwhelmed with it even now, almost 6 years later...at the drop of a hat. I can be standing in line at Walmart. I can be in the middle of a Math lesson at school. When it comes, it comes. Sometime with no rhyme or reason. I am learning to accept it. To cry (if needed), and then immediately turn it to praise. Our stories should not end with grief. Yes, there was loss. DEEP very painful loss. But was that the final chapter? Are we still here on earth, living...breathing? Then, it is NOT the end.
A promise my mom reminds me of quite frequently: Joel 2:25 "I will restore to you the years the locust have eaten..."
