Boy, it's certainly been awhile.....
On one hand that is always a GOOD sign when you don't see a daily update from Curious About Caed, however, I am aware of those who have faithfully followed our journey and may be thousands of miles away....who quite honestly, have been "curious" about Caed.
First off, I will say he is doing wonderful! We are as "normal" as we've ever been since D-Day, March 1, 2008. For the first time, there are no tubes, lines, feeds, machines, medications, or medical supplies (nor a CLOSET to keep them organized). We simply have a boy......with many beautiful scars.
I'm rather embarrassed to admit this, but JUST LAST WEEK, Todd initiated the dreaded "clean out." (not embarrassed by Todd, but rather that I had not done it prior to NOW!) It wasn't anything new. We had done it many times before. Going through all of Caed's medical supplies and throwing out the things not needed anymore. It was always such a bitter/sweet time. Thrilled beyond words that you weren't needing those awful things, and yet......SUCH pain always surfaced for me seeing, touching, smelling, remembering. It was no different last week. Todd was focused. Ready to get to work on the piles and the full cabinets. And most likely impatient with me because I was paralyzed. He had thrown this "cleaning out" idea on me rather abruptly. I wasn't ready. I couldn't go back.....not just yet. I knew, Lord willing, the feeding tube supplies would hopefully be GONE from our house FOREVER. And yet, I sat staring at the pile. I paced back and forth nervously knowing I had to "go back to that dark place once again, " but.....wasn't ready. I turned then to see all the wound care / incision supplies from this past year. Everywhere I looked it was as though they were screaming at me. Awful flashes spinning wildly in my head. They would surface for a moment only to fly away for another one to take its place. Most of the "cleaning out process" was quite a blur. We chose to hang-on to a few things as keep sakes (arg!!!....tough on Mommy's sensitive heart), but mostly got rid of the bulk.
It's just part of it. I'm STILL learning. I'm still learning that it's ok to grieve the many things I have lost the past 4 1/2 years. Yes, I finally said it. Me. This blog has been Caed's story, yet told through a hurting mother's eyes. I know that it is HE....that sweet little boy who has truly LOST so much during 1/2 of his life. But, I'm also accepting and learning to deal with some of my own too. And that it is ok to still shed tears every now and then for the many things I too....lost.
I had this exact conversation just today with a dear friend also grieving. We shared how guilt plays an ugly role in the process. As you cry out to God.....satan whispers...."Dry it up! Aren't you grateful for ______, ______, and _____? Stop your whining! Others have it much worse!!!!" Once again, I'm still learning on this one, but am trying to acknowledge that YES! I have been blessed. YES! I have MUCH to be thankful for. YES! Others indeed have lost MUCH MORE than I could ever imagine. And yet, I also know God tells me to cast my burdens on HIM because HE LOVES ME and is collecting every tear I shed.
It's just a process. Plain and simple. There will be things that trigger particular memories of this difficult time in Caed's life probably..... for the rest of mine. That's not necessarily a bad thing I've come to realize....just hard.
The same FAITHFUL God of all our yesterdays......will extend His NEW MERCIES on all our tomorrows!
Just doesn't get better than that!!!!!
Happy New Year..........we will be anxiously awaiting to see His Hand at work....on the good days AND bad.
