It's that time of year. Walmart shelves are growing sparse in the school supply section. Malls are getting more crowded as everyone scrambles to find shoes, clothes, and supplies to begin a new school year. There is an excitement among most parents. A groaning echoing from most students. I am experiencing both. I teach 2nd grade in the small West Texas town I grew up in. I love it here, and I love my job. I have been working tirelessly up in my room for the past 2 weeks and am super excited for the first day to finally arrive.
But then there is the aching. The pain. The fear. The grief. The disappointment that this summer handed us, and the longing for a "do-over!" Yes, we have been through worse. Much worse. But, it's never easy. I'm getting to the point that the "easy stuff" is wearing on me. I am tired. So very tired. Will it ever end?
Last week at our (local) surgeon's office, she decided we needed to begin putting Silver Nitrate on Caed's incision. If you have never seen SN, then picture a fireplace match. That is what we have to put on the opening of the incision every 3 days. It turns coal black. (and by the way, the container is labeled with enormous letters 'POISON'. I was instructed to be extremely careful in handling it, storing it, and administering it.) For someone who is NOT a nurse, stuff like this sends chills up my spine every time. Dr. G said to come back in 2 weeks and we would reassess the progress. The problem is.....I don't think there is any. It looks the same to me today as it did 2 weeks ago before we ever started the SN. She said, "worst case scenario, we will look at a surgical fix."
My heart is hurting tonight. I feel it in my bones. Surgery will be in order. Granted, it probably will be a very quick, easy one.....but it's #5.
I'm just tired.
Tomorrow is Caed's 8th birthday. EIGHT! I honestly can't believe it. Would like to say 'I don't know where the time has gone', but.....I know better. I remember like it was yesterday standing beside Caed's bed in PICU pleading with God to let us see his next birthday! And He DID! Thus far, four more to be exact. I am humbled. I am paralyzed with gratitude for the mercy lavished on my little boy. He brings us SUCH unexplainable joy. There is something so special about him, of which I have a very hard time wrapping my brain around. The fingerprints of God are undeniably smudged ALL over his little body. I see them! With each and every scar (and there are many), I see HIM!
I don't understand why this most recent surgery has included the complications it has. This was an easy one. And yet.....2 months later, here we still are. A HUGE praise that I cannot fail to mention is that Caed FEELS great! He is as rambunctious and ornery and funny as ever. Other than a few emotional issues (dealt with daily from this incision problem), he is good. Really good. And for that, I am so thankful. We have experienced the opposite this summer, so I don't take these "feel good days" for granted.
I don't know what the future holds. But, I am confident in WHO holds it. Desperately clinging to His promise tonight:
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you....not to harm you, but to give you a hope and a future.
He isn't promising 'easy.' But rather that He knows BEST....and will never let go!
