Reminder....

Today was a tough day for me. I was unfortunately reminded that Caed has a chronic condition. It will never go away. Although I am very much aware of this each night while hooking him up, the "normalcy " of his life is quite powerful. Since moving here to Idalou, I have had the pleasure of making many new friends. I have also had opportunities to tell "Caed's story" to people who did not know us 3 years ago. They are blown away. It is a complete shock to them because of how Caed just blends in with all the other 7-8 yr. old boys. He is just like them in every way.....except he gets hooked up to a machine each night and has a button on top of his abdomen.

Caed has been having pain spasms sporadically the past month. However, lately they have surfaced ONLY at night....and ONLY when he is being tube fed. It is so confusing to us. Any possible causes just don't add up in our heads. After speaking to NE most of the afternoon today, it was finally decided that Caed needs the "full meal deal." (scope, barium enema, and short bowel series) Then, the dreaded "S" word was used. If his bowel is dilated, there might be a need for the STEP procedure (bowel lengthening surgery!). At that point, I honestly just lost it. I guess God knew it had been awhile since my last good cry...and I was due for another one. It has been 3 years since his last surgery, and I would really like to keep it that way.

In the morning, we will go have an xray and see our local GI doc. (the one that was with us from the very beginning) Afterwards, we will get in touch with NE, let them know what Dr. H thought, and then schedule a time for us to head on up (early) to Omaha. Our plan to combine medical and vacation again this summer is probably out the window.

Please pray for Caed. Pray for answers. And pray for Todd and I to accept whatever those might be.......

Ahoy!

The Pirates are in full-swing, and Caed is loving every minute of it! This is his first season here in Idalou, and also his first season to participate in machine pitch. He is doing wonderful! On Saturday, this little guy hit not 1 home run.....but TWO!!!! (in a single game)

SBS speaking....he is doing equally great! We're continuing at 500mls of feeds over 6 nights/wk. (he loves "Free Fridays!") His next NE apt. will be in July.


playing short stop






hit a Triple!


hoping to make it Home








little brother awaiting next summer for his big debut......t-ball!!!!!!

3 years...

and counting....

Today marks the 3rd anniversary of Caed's short gut and the trauma-filled year that followed. Thus far, I feel exactly as I did the previous 2. There is such a heaviness in my heart. Although Caed is alive today and thriving (praise GOD!)....the memories from that dark time always seem to surface more now than any other time of the year. March 1st. To be honest.....I hate this day on the calendar. It conjures up such deep pain, and flashes of those first 24...48....72 hours haunt me all day long. As hard as I try to stop them....I cannot.

I know so many of you have your own "dreaded anniversaries" that take their place on the calendar every year. A day that signifies a great loss in your life. You understand. I am only 3 years out from mine, so I cannot truthfully say that it gets better. Maybe it does. Maybe not. "Time heals all wounds." Isn't that the famous saying? I know with the passing of each year the stinging pain does lessen; however, the scar will always be there. I was recently told (in so many words)....to get over it. To "face my fears and move on." I know it was said in love. NOT to hurt me. But, it did. I assure you I have and continue to "face my fears" everyday for the past 3 years. I face it head on every night while hooking my little boy up to a machine. I face it everyday when I have to look at that awful "button" that protrudes out of his abdomen. I face it when I let him be a normal little boy and wrestle with his friends even though I am screaming inside with fear that his G-tube will be ripped out of his stomach. I face my fears every month while watching my son give blood and having to endure test after test in a hospital that we once called "home." I face them as I lug box after heavy box of medical supplies that are delivered to my front porch each month. I face them daily knowing the realization that we came so close....so very close to losing our 4 year old little boy. The events of the past 3 years are now apart of me. You cannot separate the two. There is no "getting over it." And for that, I am thankful. God, in His incredible love and providence has allowed those events (as awful as they were) to shape me. To mold me and teach me things that I would NEVER in a million years have learned otherwise. I can bawl at the drop of a hat when I hear a song that references God as "Healer." It's not just a neat church-y word that I have heard all my life. It is REAL to me now! And it will silence me to the core upon hearing it. I will continue to face my fears. And I will continue to move on....to press forward. However, I cannot move forward without remembering the events of the past. They go hand in hand. Oh, God! May I NEVER EVER forget!!!!

Yes, it's been 3 years. Three incredible years! We celebrated Caleb's 3rd birthday just a few weeks ago. I can't believe how big he has gotten. Where did my baby go? Caed is also doing well. He is happy and "short gut healthy." Reagan has made lots of new friends, got involved with cheer, and of course busy in school. We are all adjusting to our recent move and job transition. I have loved getting back into the classroom and am finally feeling more settled. We are continuing to search for a church home, but know God is in control and will lead us to just the "right one" in His perfect timing. We are very excited and eager for that day to come.

We want to thank SO many of you who have continued to follow Caed's story. It's not over, but oh, we PRAISE GOD for His work in Caed's life. Thank you for also continuing to put up with me. Thank you for simply "listening" to me vent and pour out my heart these past 3 years. I know without a doubt I have not dealt with all of this perfectly. I have made so many mistakes. But, I am learning. Thank you for being patient with me through it all.

We love each of you......and I promise I will try to update the blog better!! I have desperately missed writing. Although I am not promising anything too profound, I will do my best to post pictures (which I LOVE) and more family updates. ;)

Seems like only yesterday....

....I was up in front of a classroom, making lesson plans, grading papers, and out on the playground. My first week back was very good! I am teaching 2nd grade and absolutely love it. My kids are so sweet and smart and a joy to see everyday. Several of my students are the children of some of my best friends growing up. It's funny to look at them.....makes me feel like I'm in elementary again myself. (not to mention being in the very same building!)

Caed and Reagan probably think it's the coolest. They LOVE coming to my classroom each morning and then again when the bell rings. I see Caed quite a bit throughout the day....which is so fun! Sometimes I get to sneak a quick hug or kiss (while none of his friends are looking, of course.) Reagan LOVES coming to my room after school so she herself can play school. She made report cards and folders for every student in her class.....grabs one of my teacher books and away she goes. Who knows? She may just follow in her mama's footsteps someday.

I am absolutely exhausted and still have so much I need/want to do up at school. Every day this past week I was up there til 5:30-6:00. I am really ready to get to the point where I finally feel "settled." Maybe by May???? ;)

So many of you I know prayed for me this week. THANK YOU very much!!!! I truly had a great first day back and rest of the week. There was a calming I couldn't explain.....

1-1-11

It's been awhile since I've blogged, and for those of you who follow this one, I apologize. I, too have about 5 blogs (our short gut or bowel transplant friends) that I am completely addicted to reading daily. When they go even a day or two without posting, I get worried and restless. Although I have to remind myself from first hand experience, no news is generally good news.

I assure you I have had plenty of things to write about, just very little time and energy to do so. It's been good for me to take a little "break" from blogging. But oh, how I miss writing! It truly is my escape...

Our time during the Christmas holidays was wonderful. We continued getting more settled into our house and particularly have enjoyed lots of good family time. My sister in law (Megan) and her little girl (Xan) have been here in the states for almost 2 months. We have LOVED it! My brother, Stan, just flew in from China a few days before Christmas. I know he was sure ready to see his girls.

I knew the 2 weeks of Christmas vacation were going to be fun (for the kids), but also a little stressful for me. I begin my new job as a 2nd grade teacher on Monday! I am taking over for a teacher that has moved. A total 100% God-thing!!! Teachers very rarely resign in the middle of the school year. The timing of our move back to Lubbock, Todd's major job change, and then this...was actually very cool to witness. One of those times when you pray about something, and then step by step....you see God slowly laying out all the pieces of the (seemingly impossible) puzzle right before your eyes. But.....even though I know HE is in this, the butterflies in my stomach are still going strong.

The kids are doing great. Caed continues to amaze us. (and scare us at times too.....which will probably be the case forever, I'm afraid) Any little thing with him (physically) always causes Todd and I to go into OVER-analytical mode. But all in all.....he is doing SO well, we have pushed his Dec. clinic visit to March. And possibly, might even try the summer! His weight gain is probably not what it should be, but at least he is maintaining. He continues to be tube fed for about 4.5 hours each night. We thank God for a wonderful, "healthy" 2010!!

I ran across a quote today by John Piper. God promises new troubles (Matt. 6:34), new mercies (Lam. 3:23), and new hope (2 Cor. 4:16) for every day this year.

Upon reading it initially, I didn't like it. Not one bit! What on earth do you mean He promises new TROUBLES? That's not very encouraging to read on this first day of the new year. But, then to read on......there will also be new MERCIES.....and new HOPE too! Not just some time during the year, but EVERY DAY! We live in a sinful, fallen world. Yes, there will be troubles. There will be hard times. There will be tears. There will be those moments we don't think we can carry on. BUT, it doesn't end there. What feelings of complete sorrow and hopelessness if it did.

Thank you God for Your mercies. They are truly new EVERY morning. And thank you that our inner person is being renewed DAY by DAY. Help us to be ready! Ready for those daily "troubles." Help us to be aware when it rears its ugly head so we don't miss the opportunity to turn it around for good. Knowing nothing that You allow into our lives is meant to harm or destroy us. But rather, build us up, make us stronger and ultimately more like Your Son. Lord, we pray for 2011. Both good days and bad will inevitably make up this new year. Thank you in advance for the good. You continue to shower us with blessings which we do not deserve. Help us during the bad. Hold us close, and remind us of Your constant faithfulness.

A new normal

is what we are desperately attempting to achieve these days. We have officially been in West Texas for 6 weeks, but to be honest I still feel like we're just here "visiting."

This move has been like no other. We packed up our house in Celina and stored it all in our garage. The big furniture and decor was left alone so we could stage our house until we we found somewhere to live here in Idalou. Until then...we would live with my (very gracious) parents. So, on moving day (Oct. 31), we loaded up a 6 ft. trailer with only the essentials. Everything else was left there in Celina. Hence the feeling again that we were just visiting. Anyone walking into our home in Celina would NEVER know we had just moved unless they began opening cabinet or closet doors. For a little over a month we stayed with my parents, living out of boxes and suitcases. 90% of my clothes were still packed in garment boxes in the garage. On more than one occasion, I had to (lovingly...not!) get the cat out of my sweater box. (have I ever mentioned I'm VERY allergic to cat hair???) On another occasion, you would find me sitting on the floor of the garage in front of a giant box in tears! All I wanted was to find some shoes to wear to church. Anything would do...as long as there were no laces and a rubber sole. That month was hard. Hard on everyone involved. It was like visiting for Christmas.....extended 3 more weeks. My parents were awesome!! But, I was stressed. I desperately needed structure...order....and routine. And of course longed for my family to be in our own home again. My parents have a beautiful, very spacious house, but most of our things were crammed into one bedroom (all 5 of us). Our space was FAR from neat and orderly. It was down right chaotic......which only made me more irritable each time I stepped foot inside the door. However, there were also very sweet times (that I wouldn't trade for) those 4 weeks. My sister in law, Megan....and niece Xan were there staying with my parents too during that time. Can you say....the modern day Walton's? ;) They live in China now, so it was extra special getting to spend so much time together.

Finally.....our house here in Idalou was move-in ready! So, the first week of December we headed for Celina with 2 giant moving trucks to get the remainder (bulk) of our belongings. Walking into our house there was surreal. Everything looked normal. Like we had just come home from a long vacation. (funny....had that same experience a couple of years ago....wink, wink) It was all there. In perfect order. Not a stitch out of place. (Ironically what happens when you put your house on the market) Oh, how I MISSED my home!! The memories came flooding in. Every inch....every where I laid my eyes, there was a story. Sweet times. The endless hours Reagan and I spent in that dining room homeschooling. The living room recliner that Caleb and I slept in those first 2 weeks of his life. (little did I know that precious time would be cut far too short) I could hear the crackling of the fireplace and see Caed and Reagan having a picnic of hot chocolate and s'mores in front it. The number of "shows" and dance competitions that took place in the playroom would put America's Got Talent to shame. This was the house in which my daughter would go from everything Princess and pink and Strawberry Shortcake and Hello Kitty.....to a Hannah Montana loving Pre-Tweener. And the drums. This was the house Caed got his very first drum set (age 4)....and 2 more sets bigger and better each time, followed. Our poor neighbors. They were "blessed" I'm sure on more than one occasion (daily!) to hear the deep thumping coming from the east side of the house. The number of youth fellowships and Bible Studies that took place in that living room were too numerous to count. I could still hear the laughter of SO many teenagers through the years that blessed our home by their presence. Their zeal for life made me feel "young" again. (no comment Brad) Then, the tears.....the deep heartfelt concerns and prayers that were uttered by those same zealous students. If only the walls of my living room could talk. Then, there were the painful memories. I can still remember standing in the living room upon hearing the news Todd's dad only had a few short hours to live. This was the house I had to leave for a year while Caed was sick. While vacuuming his room for the last time, I was so overcome with emotions. The memories particularly that stem from that room......are endless. I began to wonder what family would someday (hopefully soon!) come to make their own memories in that house on Doloris Court. What highs and lows would they experience? And would they ever grasp what a life-changing house that was for US?

And now.....here we are again. The 5th home Todd and I have lived in during our married life. There are bittersweet memories associated with each and every one of them. What will God bring to us here on Elm Street? I'm sure it will be both amazing and painful. Junior High dances....teenage girl drama and boy crushes.....make-up.....sharing shoes with Mom - for Reagan? More team sports......"too cool" for his Super Hero toys and holding Mommy's hand in public.....realizing not all shirts and pants go together.....starting a garage band (literally) with his little brother......G-tube GONE!! - for Caed? Breaking his Mommy's heart the 1st day of Kindergarten.....learning to read.....being big and strong enough to finally "fight back" big brother......see a church and not cry "no nursery!!".......play in a real T-ball game......develop into as good a drummer as brother - for Caleb? Oh, the possibilities! They are like the stars.

One day, we will be loading up a moving truck yet again and this house that is now our new home will become empty. I will be sweeping and vacuuming for the last time and sure enough pondering the events that took place under this roof. And we will, yet again set out in search of another new normal.......

God, you know change has always been so hard for me. Setting the cruise control in my comfort zone is what I desire. But, thank you for continuing to stretch me. For blessing me with new and exciting adventures. I pray for this house. For the things that take place within these walls to be pleasing to You! Honestly, I am very apprehensive. I'm downright scared. What dreadful event(s) will take place while we are here? Calm my heart. Remind me of Your unfailing love for me and my family. Your Faithfulness!!! Father, I pray for a spiritual hedge of protection to surround this house. Guard Todd and I's marriage. Defend my children from the spiritual attacks they will face. Strengthen our family as we begin this new chapter in our lives. Let us love one another....encourage one another.....and ENJOY one another. I pray for LOTS of laughter to fill this house and the tears to be minimal. Thank you again for Your clarity in this move. Your hand has been SO evident. We know You have amazing things in store for us.....and we can't wait!

The circle

28 years ago, a timid, little blonde haired 10 year old girl made her way down a seemingly endless hallway in a new school of a rural Texas town. This was one of her first experiences with a major life change....and she didn't like it one bit. You see, the school she loved was in a "big city" 120 miles just north of this little town. She had lots of wonderful friends there. Ones she had grown up with the first 10 years of her life. Each day they would hop on their bikes (or Big Wheels) in search of new, exciting adventures that awaited them around the neighborhood. They went door to door selling rocks, swam so much in her backyard (her) hair turned green, and built snow forts as high as the roof. She loved her life on Dixon Street. Who wouldn't? Life Savers grew on trees there!! But, on a day that she will never forget her uncle came for "a visit." She remembers him sitting on the couch talking for hours to her mother and daddy. About what? She hadn't the first clue. It was all gibberish to her. But it was something. Something very important. In the weeks to follow, that "something" caused great bitterness in her heart towards her uncle. Her life was fine and good and right before he came! This had to be his fault. She was having to leave her home, her friends, and the life she loved all because of him! (although forgave him very quickly....and is thankful today that "his important talk" with her parents was actually all part of God's wonderful plan for her life!!)

She knew a little bit about this small town she was moving to. She had spent every Christmas and at least one week every summer there since she could remember. Several grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins lived there. It was very small. Main Street was literally the "main" street. And apparently all "important matters" of the town were discussed over coffee at the DQ every afternoon at 3 o'clock by the old timers (including her own Granddaddy). There were no stop lights, skating rinks, or movie theaters there. Only one clothing store (which her Grandmother worked at, and she loved to go play in), an old fashioned drug store, a post office, a little grocery store (not the big, fancy kinds she was used to), and of course....the only restaurant......Dairy Queen! No Pizza Inn? No Burger King or McDonalds? No Wonderland? The zoo? What about Fun Fest and Kids Inc? And spending every day in her backyard pool with her friends? There was nothing here in this little town. No matter which direction she looked, flat farmland was as far as her eyes could see. She loved coming to visit all her family there. But, to actually MOVE there, and leave the "big city"? No way!

On that cold, awful day she had to finally go to school, she was so scared. What would it be like? What if everyone stared at her? What if they did things differently here? What if no one talks to her? What if this...? What if that...? Well, she got one thing right. They did stare at her. They did whisper and point. But.....they also talked to her. And included her. And made her laugh....and before long, helped ease the pain of leaving her former school and all the friends she loved. She made NEW friends! And who would have ever thought.....stayed friends with most every single one of them....for 28 long years (and counting!!). They survived the awkward jr. high days together. Started high school together. One by one, got their driver's licenses together. Dated each other. Broke up with each other. And experienced all the ups and downs of high school together. Then, some even became college roommates. Were in each other's weddings. And were there in the waiting rooms together when they first became parents.

When the first day of 4th grade at her new school was over, she walked outside the building and saw her Granddaddy waiting for her. There was an instant calming. Her day had been filled with "news" and "firsts" and "strange faces." When their eyes met, she wanted to run. Run hard and fast. He represented security to her and she desperately needed to feel its warmth on that cold January afternoon. Like a good Granddaddy would do, he drove her straight to DQ Country. (it was 3:00 by the way) He ordered his regular black coffee, and she got an ice cream cone, sure to cure all that ails a sad 10 year old. (and it did!) The weeks turned into months and soon......the little scared blonde headed girl became more outgoing and smiled more and laughed! Oh, did she laugh. She quickly made a NEW best friend (that is still one of her BFF's to this very day!)

God knew. He knew the plans. He knew the timing. He knew all the characters that would have roles in this little's girls' "major life change." He dotted every i...and crossed every t. He had wonderful things that would await her future. You see, not only did she make the best friends ever in this new town, but she made fun memories along the way. She was saved at a GA Camp the summer following her winter move. She was in a small 2A school which allowed her naturally quiet, reserved personality to soar. (she would have been eaten alive in the 5A school she was "supposed to go to.") She quickly became a leader and excelled in school. She was involved in every activity, organization, and sport offered (highly unlikely had she stayed where she was at). She then went on to a wonderful Texas university 10 miles from her little hometown where 4 years later, she met her future husband. After graduation, she went back to that elementary school.....that endless "hallway." She taught along side her former elementary teacher and taught IN her old 5th grade classroom. The memories would flood her mind and cause her to break out in spontaneous laughter remembering the things that happened in that little room....so long ago. (as her students stared back at her in confusion)

Today, almost 28 years later when that little girl first walked that long hallway of her new school, her daughter, same age, same grade hesitantly had to walk that same exact hallway herself. They walked hand in hand as if in slow motion. The Mommy knew what her daughter was feeling. She relived the pain, the fear, the anger. For she herself had to walk the same path 28 years earlier. When they reached the room, the Mommy looked inside and quickly glanced at each face staring back at them. She laughed to herself thinking about the same strange faces she saw long ago, and how each one over time became some of her very best friends. "Forever friends" she calls them.

As the Mommy (and her husband) left the room this morning, her heart became heavy. If she could take the fear and anxiety away from her little girl on this very hard day, she would. But she knew. She knew what the future would likely hold for her daughter there in that school....in that small town. Just give it time. Give it a few days. A few weeks. And by the end of the year, she will surely be smiling just as her Mommy did for her 4th grade class picture. Big. Genuine. Loving her new life and all that God brought to her (including her most favorite pair of off-white knickers!)

When the dismissal bell rang today, the daughter stood just outside the same big green doors her Mommy did on her first day. Their eyes met over a crowded hallway. There was comfort. There was peace. And of course....some good ole' DQ Country ice cream followed! This time, the (great) Granddaddy wasn't there (but, oh, wouldn't he have LOVED to have been!). Instead, his wife, Great-Grandmother Mitchell was there.....who by the way, started Idalou Schools back in the 1930's in the...........you guessed it! 4th grade.

Ironic how life turns out sometimes. You travel long and hard...only to find the path God lay out for you wasn't straightforward....but rather one giant circle!

Caed (1st grade, age 7)..........and Reagan (4th grade, age 10)....the same as her Mommy when she moved to Idalou, and the 4th generation to attend Idalou Schools!